Vanished
by indigowaterbears
Summary: Owen is leaving for Iraq and, at the very last minute, Amelia gives him a reason to stay, a teeny tiny one.
1. Chapter 1

Owen made his way to the OR. It was his last day and he somehow got roped into one of the longest surgeries he'd done in months. He knew perfectly well why, April had been smart enough to take the day off and come say goodbye later. Actually, now that he thought of it he was here to say goodbye, but he was also here to keep an eye on Amelia. He had Edwards feeding him updates on her growing denial and how bad it was getting, she wasn't letting him close enough to see it, so he'd had to get someone to do the dirty work. It was hypocritical and frankly low to get a resident to spy on her, but he figured this way at least someone was there for her. Amelia hadn't made friends here in Seattle so no one else would think to check on her. Most people had somehow forgotten that she'd lost a brother the day Meredith's husband died. Everyone was grieving the loss of their friend or teacher or doctor and despite how screwed up things had become, he knew Amelia was devastated. Under her comedian façade she was in pieces, barely together, like a pile of leaves on a windy afternoon. The sad thing was, he felt like he was the only one to notice that, so when he'd made the choice to go back to Iraq, he made sure Richard would keep an eye out for her. He'd seen him already trying to get her to talk, with little results, a few times and he knew he'd often looked out for her. This – he'd told himself – was the reason he'd come in today, to see her with his own eyes before leaving. The hope was to talk to her, but he knew the chances were extremely slim with that one.

That was before he'd ended up taking the trauma and being stuck in surgery. He was well into his fifth hour when he started to think about the possibility that this was going to go on for longer than Amelia had to be at the hospital, while he was aware she was basically living here anyway, he also knew she went out for a walk most days when her shift ended. Owen didn't have the kind of time to chase her around Seattle, when she was so easily reachable in the hospital. Then he remembered. She was operating as well, removing a brain tumour that should be done in a couple of hours. His day just got a little brighter. It started with the horrific realisation that he was heading into the desert in late spring, he'd lived there before sure, but the torrid heat from spring and summer was something he had absolutely not missed since he moved back home. He kept operating, glancing at the patient's face more often than usual, he was feeling distracted, but knew there was no way out of this one, not today. They were now indefinitely down a general surgeon with Meredith disappearing off the face of the earth and April gone, he couldn't drop the ball as well. Luck finally seemed to turn his way – not the patient's – when the monitors started beeping wildly and, after a quick damage control in the abdomen, he and Wilson decided it had to be a brain bleed causing all this trouble.

"Page Doctor Shepherd STAT." he ordered in the general direction of the nurse standing by the tray holding all the pagers and phones. After about thirty seconds, when nobody gave him any news he urged them again. "We need neuro or this man is going to die in a few minutes."

The nurse was furiously texting back and forth. "She can't come, they told me Doctor Nelson is twenty minutes out."

"This man doesn't have twenty minutes!" he bellowed, he was more than aware the nurse had no fault in what was going on and he hoped against all hope this wasn't Amelia trying to avoid him. She was better than that. In a desperate attempt he looked at Wilson. "When was the last time you were on neuro?"

Her eyes bulged. "Oh no. No, no, no. It was a long time ago and I wouldn't be able to do anything without inflicting anymore damage."

Owen sighed, the monitors were still beeping wildly, he couldn't do it. He could do it in the field when it was a man's last chance, but this was a hospital full of specialised doctors and he couldn't risk leaving this man with deficits because of his personal life. "Page Shepherd again!"

The nurse resumed the frantic texting and a couple pagers beeped. "She's out Chief. I can't get a hold of her."

"Isn't she operating next door?"

A few more nurses got on their phones trying to get information, it was taking way too long and the man on the table was facing permanent damage if someone didn't get here now. "Doctor Edwards is finishing up in there." Another nurse offered looking up.

Owen frowned, frustration and helplessness were literally frying up his nerves. "Where the hell is Shepherd? Why isn't she in there?" he wasn't opposed to letting resident do, but she couldn't just leave her there to her own devices, without supervision.

"No word."

Wilson looked at him, hesitant to open her mouth. "Doctor Hunt. I think Doctor Edwards could be able to do this. She's been spending a lot of time in neuro."

Owen's shoulders fell. Today was turning out to be awful. April had had the right idea. His current dilemma was whether he should operate on this man's brain leaving him almost certainly with deficits or let a resident do the surgery. It wasn't a catch twenty-two, it was a freaking nightmare, the silver lining was the fact that – at least in this very moment – he wasn't the chief of surgery and therefore didn't have to deal with the aftermath. "See if Edwards can come now and get a hold of Shepherd."

The same nurse from before updated them, a little too enthusiastically, on how she was closing and another resident was taking over for her. When she walked in everyone sighed in relief. Having her operate didn't equal to a full recovery, but he was in – allegedly – better hands now. Not showing an ounce of hesitance or fear Edwards moved to the head of the patient and instructed the nurses to help her reposition the man for emergency brain surgery. While this had definitely calmed Owen, who was incredibly relieved not to have to get his hands in a brain – something he hadn't done since his early residency – there was still that other issue. He looked over at the nurses and interns. "News on Shepherd?"

While everybody shook their head Edwards looked up. "You haven't heard?" when everybody shook their heads puzzled she exhaled slowly. She'd been a first row spectator to whatever it was that Hunt and Shepherd had going on and, for just a second, in her head popped up the ethical question of whether she should tell him. After all it was protocol. Then he not so kindly urged her to share with the class and she didn't have a choice – or so she told herself. "She collapsed. A couple of hours ago, we were in surgery she was operating and she just collapsed, she mentioned her back hurt before, but she seemed fine. I don't know what happened, I don't know anything else."

Owen's heart started beating furiously. He didn't hear the comments or concerned questions or more useless updates on how nobody knew anything. His head was underwater, everything was blurry and the sounds echoed off making it impossible to distinguish the words. The glint of one of the instruments was what broke him out of the trance he was in, upon focusing his eyes he realised it was Wilson shaking her hand to get his attention. Owen breathed in deeply _you're a soldier, you're a soldier, you're a soldier_ , his own personal mantra was keeping him from losing it and he looked up judging how bad the situation was. He gave a nervous laugh when he realised it was good, good enough. "Okay," he said walking backwards ripping mask and gown from himself. "Wilson you keep an eye on the sutures and then close him up, Edwards use Wilson as an assist and please, please don't screw this up. Page me if anything happens."

When Amelia woke she was in bed, in a hospital bed to be precise. At least she was sure of that, because the rest was all kind of foggy, her whole head felt foggy. It hurt. She was in pain and she couldn't remember what happened or why she was just laying there in a hospital bed. She was no stranger to waking up having no idea how she got there, but generally when that happened there was alcohol and pills involved. Amelia squeezed her eyes shut and then opened them up again in a valiant attempt to get her memory back and, of course, there was always the hope that when she opened them back up she would somehow find herself somewhere that made sense. It was only a few minutes after waking that she noticed the IV in her arm, that was definitely new, glancing at the label on the bag she realised it was just saline. She closed her eyes again desperately trying to retrace the steps of her day. She'd woken up early to prep for surgery, she'd been planning to let Edwards do most of the work, but she had to be ready all the same. Quietly ignoring her growing sense of worry, she wondered if she had, after all, done the surgery, she didn't remember a single thing about it and it was endlessly frustrating. Her back hurt and she was having bad cramps, really bad. Now that she thought of it she'd had cramps yesterday too and the day before, they were worse than usual, but she hadn't given it much thought. Now, though, they were bad. She needed to know what was going on now, right now. Because she had a surgery to get back to.

As if on cue Arizona Robbins walked in, looking way too cheerful for her taste. "Hey. How are you doing?"

Amelia had to count to ten, slowly and with her inside voice, the embarrassment of laying in bed in her scrubs was downing on her more and more by the second and the chirpiness was getting to her. She had to get up, walk away and busy herself with medical stuff, medical anything. Maybe she'd get a few interns to laugh at her jokes in the process, they were the only ones that still hung around without continuously glancing at her with that horrendously frustrating and annoying mixture of pity and morbid curiosity. She tugged at the IV in her arm. "I feel fine." when Arizona raised her eyebrows she suddenly realised it was _Arizona_ right there with her. "I'm okay. Why are you here? I mean you, why not someone else? Is everyone so scared of being near me, is everyone scared that I'm contagious or something?"

Arizona was taken aback by her attitude, sure Amelia Shepherd wasn't very famous for her bedside manner, but her immediate defence was surprisingly telling and she felt for her. The need to be extra tough and untouched by the horribleness of the world was something she was sadly all too familiar with. "Uh, Richard was about to come in, but he got paged and I just happened to be the only grown up walking around. He said you'd be grumpy and a resident wouldn't be able to handle you, so here I am."

"Is something very, very wrong with me? Because I have surgery." She said curtly, the attempt to be polite was evident, but she was still failing so bad she was just making Arizona's point – Richard's, but still. "Unless I'm dying, I really have to go."

Arizona sighed. The Shepherd hard head was apparently hereditary. She gently placed the tablet far, far away from Amelia's reach and sat down on the chair near her bed. It was painful to her to see someone go through what she had, not to mention how Tim died serving his country, while Derek died because of some moron that stole a medical license. She could see it in her eyes, hard and unfocused, just how much she was suffering. "Look, Amelia-"

"If I'm dying just say so, no need to sugar coat it. I can handle it." she said, avoiding her gaze.

Arizona shrugged. "I don't know if you're dying, but-"

Amelia groaned, hastily pulling the IV out of her arm. She had to get away. There was a reason she liked working with interns and residents – apart from Edwards – and it was that they didn't care, they just wanted to learn, to get drunk on medicine, to feel the high of cutting a human brain and fixing it. They didn't want to talk like Robbins, like Richard, they didn't sneak glances at her when they thought she wouldn't notice like Owen and they didn't want to talk about feelings and life's curve balls like all those people at meetings. For the first time in her life she liked interns and, as it turned out, interns loved her. "I don't have time for this, I have surgery, so whatever happened I'm sure it was just-"

"Stop it." Arizona stood, internally chuckling at how her tone was the same she used with kids. She looked at Amelia pointedly and she sat back in bed, crossing her arms. "You lay back down and listen. You passed out in surgery, you were operating and you collapsed. So that surgery is gone, Edwards finished and did a great job." When Amelia's eyes bulged, in obvious surprise, she relaxed. She finally managed to get her attention. "Amelia you can't do this to yourself. You've been working everyday almost all day long, it's not healthy. Not for your body and not for you, if you keep this up soon enough you won't be able to do surgery anymore. You have to eat and sleep regularly and get out sometime anywhere that is not this hospital." She sighed. She knew what she was about to say was a risk, but, while at first she'd decided not to say anything, now she had to. Amelia needed her to say it. "He wouldn't want you to do this to yourself."

Amelia's face hardened, more than it already was, she looked like a stone statue. The tiniest tremble in her lower lip made Arizona feel like she had done the right thing. "What do you know about what he would want? He's dead, buried six feet under, he can't want anything. He doesn't care now, not anymore."

"You're right, he's dead." Arizona reasoned, she was no stranger to self-destructive tendencies, but she knew Amelia took self-destruction to a whole new level, one that endangered not only her but her patients as well. "When my brother died I didn't take it that well either. It took me a very long time to be okay with him being gone. I didn't react in the best way. Then someone asked me, if I were the one who died, would I want to see the people I love wasting their life-"

Amelia gave her a hateful look. "I'm sure it worked like a charm. That's what they told me after my father died. I got something similar when my fiancée died, right beside me, some crap about how he would have wanted me to move on and-" she was spitting venom, but when images of her teeny tiny baby filled her brain her heart clenched painfully and a lump formed in her throat causing her voice to crack. "I just don't care. I'm done caring and I'm done listening, I'm obviously not dying so-" She sat back up, fully intent on leaving and either hiding out or getting her hands into a human, cutting and patching up. She needed the rush, she needed that rush, otherwise her cravings would get the best of her. Right this moment, cutting and teaching and being the favourite attending amongst the little ones in the hospital was enough of a high, without the need of narcotics. Despite her unstable state of mind, she still didn't want to go down that road. She couldn't.

The second she sat up, though, a sharp pain shot through her abdomen all the way to her lower back. Amelia winced and curled on herself as much as she could while sitting up. Instantly, forgetting their conversation, Arizona put a hand on her shoulder and helped her lay back down. She knew it must really hurt because Amelia made no move to resist. "What hurts?" she asked in her doctor voice.

Amelia was breathing through her nose, trying so hard to will the pain away, she knew she could compartmentalise pain, but she compartmentalisation ability right now was greatly diminished because of the horror show her life had become. Her hands were gripping the obnoxiously light blue sheets of the bed. "It's nothing." Arizona's face told her, without the need for words, that she was used to lying children and lying grown children made no difference. "It's just cramps, okay."

"It looks like it hurts way too much to be just cramps." She said matter of factly, switching her doctor mode completely on, she took out a flash light and began doing a basic exam on Amelia. Something she resisted, claiming she was fine and she was a doctor, she would know if she was sick. "Will you just let me do this? Don't make me call Hunt because you're refusing to get treatment." For some reason unknown to Arizona that particular threat was more effective than anticipated. She thought she would have had to add _who will take you off surgical rotation_ , but it hadn't been necessary.

Amelia, resigned, laid back trying not to put up a fight anymore. The pain she was feeling was not even close to bad enough to think something was seriously wrong – it was nothing compared to labor pains – but it was definitely more than usual. "It's just period cramps and back pain and a headache." She sighed, despite making a serious effort to be cooperative, she still wanted to go and busy herself and her brain. "If I promise to take it easy can I go?"

But Arizona wasn't listening to her anymore. Instead, she was standing and deeply focused she grabbed the tablet scrolling through with her finger. Amelia was following her eyes closely, it looked like her brain was working a thousand miles an hour and it was weirdly fascinating, she wondered briefly if she pulled the same face when she was thinking.

"You, my dear, are anaemic."

Amelia snorted. "Well, of course I am, I've been bleeding for days. Tell me something I don't already know."

Arizona had to physically calm herself. After trading peds, she'd slowly remembered all the reasons she'd chosen it in the first place. On the medicine side fetal surgery was endlessly more exciting as in peds she ended up most of the time with appendectomies and swallowed toys and marbles. It was the patients, when she told children they needed to be examined the only complaint she ever got was fear of needles, while with adults it was harder. Treating adult doctors was a test of her well known patience. "I mean dangerously anaemic. More than you should be and those cramps are no good."

Amelia shrugged, she looked like a child on a sugar high, if it wasn't for the obvious pain in her abdomen she probably would have already left. "What if I promise to have a big – huge steak for dinner and… oh, and spinach."

"And take iron supplements?" Amelia nodded vigorously. "No. That's not going to happen. Have you been sleeping at all? Are you stressed?" she asked while she started hooking up monitors for blood pressure and heartbeat. "Have you eaten anything at all that is not sandwiches and chips recently?"

Amelia wrinkled her nose, but found she had to think before answering. Not just because she was out of smart ass answers, but also she really didn't remember. "Not really. I mean I haven't been all that hungry lately."

"Not hungry as in sick?"

"No, just not hungry. I eat before I have surgery and every time I do get hungry and trust I do get hungry, a lot." She confessed. It was news to her too.

Arizona nodded. She was so not qualified for this, but peds was a little like general surgery on tiny humans. She checked the blood test again, but everything else was within the acceptable range. "Alright, now lay still, I have to examine you."

Amelia complied, shifting slightly as Arizona's hands pressed on all of her organs, one by one, asking every single time if she was feeling any discomfort or pain. She was a doctor, she knew the drill, but right when that thought creeped to the front of her mind she remembered the power struggle she'd gone through with Herman, another doctor convinced she knew how to treat herself. So, she relaxed and let Arizona do her job, actually this wasn't her job. "Can I trust you know what you're doing? I mean how long ago was the last time you treated a grown up?"

Noting her sarcastic tone, Arizona smiled. "Shut up or I'll get a resident to do this." the look on Amelia's face told her she was about to whip out one of her super sarcastic remarks, so she beat her to it. "Oh, you know what? This is a great teaching opportunity maybe I should call in the interns-"

"Fine, okay, I get it. Seriously, though, how long has it been since-" Amelia doubled in pain, pushing Arizona's hand away from her. "What the hell was that?"

Arizona ignored Amelia's insisting questions and took a deep breath, not realising she was standing in front of a doctor and that the smile she was about to plaster on her face was only going to make things worse for her patient. Gently she pushed Amelia's shoulder back down on the mattress, trying to look as comforting as possible. She moved her hands to finish up, but Amelia grabbed her wrist. "I won't push down, but it's going to hurt. Just… just try not to move so I can finish up quicker."

She nodded. So, something was indeed wrong here. Amelia swallowed the lump in her throat, whatever was going on with her she could handle. It's not like she really had anything left to lose so – God, it hurt. Doctor's orders, she tried to stay as still as she could, holding on the sheets with all her might. "Is it bad? Arizona, what is it?" she asked through gritted teeth.

Instead of answering she held up a finger, clearly gesturing to wait, and she picked up the tablet with the blood test again scrolling through. Looking not at all satisfied, she faced Amelia, whose eyes were growing bigger and bigger and the smile on her face faded, it was obvious something was not right and Amelia must have started to realise that as well. So she sat near her bed, making a point to treat her like a patient and not a doctor. "There is a mass in your lower abdomen and the blood test is inconclusive, though the white count is normal so I doubt you have anything to worry about. Is there any chance you might be pregnant?" at Amelia's utterly taken aback look she went on rambling. "All the symptoms you mentioned are all compatible with PMS, if we take the mass into consideration it all fits with pregnancy."

"No." Amelia looked at her like shed just grown a second head. Without conscious permission from her brain her hand travelled down to the spot where – supposedly – this mass was. It wasn't that she didn't trust Arizona's judgement, but she had always been one of those people who didn't believe something unless she could see or hear or touch it. She could definitely feel it there. "I'm on my period, I can't be pregnant."

Arizona sighed. "It's not uncommon to experience period like-"

"No, I know that. But I'm telling you, I'm not." Amelia insisted, this was the last thing she needed right now. On second thought, why freaking not? Her life was turning into this really weird roller coaster ride, the one with ghosts and monsters and ugly, horrible, devastating turns, so it was entirely possible that unplanned pregnancy could be added right after dead siblings and missing family. "Isn't it in the tests you have there?"

Arizona shook her head irritatingly. "Whatever idiot resident ordered the tests just ordered a CBC and it's not in there." She narrowed her eyes pensively. "So, you _could_ be pregnant, is it even remotely possible?"

While her first instinct was to say no again, hoping it would somehow make it true, for the second time today she had to think about it. She had to count the days and weeks and months. Her heart sank when she realised that it wasn't impossible, highly improbable, but within the realm of possibility. Her hand flew up to press on her temples, trying helplessly to relieve some of the pain and release some of the frustration building up right now. "Crap." This was such a mess. Although with all the bleeding and cramps and… "Am I miscarrying?" she asked and upon hearing her voice she realised she was right about to cry, it was watery and broken and scared. The hitch in her nose and the burn underneath her eyes were clear tell-tale signs that she was about to cry, really cry. She didn't even know, but the perspective made her feel, feel things she couldn't, not on top of everything else. "Why not, I could also lose my job while I'm at it."

Arizona looked up from her phone with a sympathetic smile. "The lab still has your blood, I put a rush on it." whatever it was she was hoping it wasn't bad news. Not more bad news. She didn't know Amelia all that well, but after losing her brother and her sister in law disappeared with the kids it couldn't be easy. As far as she knew she still lived in that beautifully enormous house all by herself. She looked at Amelia, but her face was turned, eyes fixed on the ceiling above her, however she didn't miss the glimmer in her eyes, which just made her feel so, so sad. "Is there anyone that I can call?" smartly avoiding adding _the father_.

And Amelia smiled. That same smile that was permanently plastered on her face whenever she was busy joking about – "You mean like my dead brother? Unless you're willing to hold a séance I doubt you can. You could call Meredith, not sure she'd care, even if you did manage to find her."

Arizona sighed. It sucked to be Amelia Shepherd these days and today could actually make it all so much worse. She looked at her phone, unsure of what to do. The blood would take still a good half an hour, even if she'd put a rush on it, all urgent tests still had priority. She looked at Amelia and thought about all the vast range of ways she could make her feel better, she needed to make her feel better and she wasn't sure it was even possible. After losing Tim she felt it, the constant ache of living with the loss and, according to Amelia, she was more than used to it, which made her feel even worse about it. This year was probably the worst year in a really long while. Maybe as bad as the plane crash one, the one she'd thought was the worst, but finally things were back on track. And now everything was falling apart all over again. For her and everybody else around. She did the only thing she could think of, she took Amelia's hand in hers and held on. It made her feel a little better, right until it didn't. Amelia was wiping tears and breathing shakily. "Hey, hey calm down, it's okay."

"This is not okay," her voice was watery and her eyes were sad and resigned, but anger was coming off of her like sharp knives. "This is so not okay. I can't be pregnant, not now…"

Arizona smiled genuinely. She knew all about unexpected pregnancies. Unfortunately, she knew all about miscarriage too, but she wasn't about to mention that until she knew that that was the case now. Out of the blue she had an idea, one she berated herself for not having sooner. She stood way too fast, letting go of Amelia's hand. "I could do an ultrasound now, it won't be conclusive, but it's a start. How does that sound?"

Amelia seemed to consider it for a few moments. She remembered her first ultrasound vividly. That same ultrasound she had delayed for weeks because she was scared. It wouldn't have mattered a thing starting prenatal care sooner in that case, her baby still wouldn't have had a chance. In a true effort not to repeat her same mistakes she nodded, not entirely sure, but enough to convince Arizona who gave her a dimply smile and rushed out with the promise that she'd be right back. There was not one cell in her body that remotely believed this was really happening, not a single one. This morning… she didn't actually remember this morning. Oh, that was because this morning started at one am, when one of her patients coded, and she hadn't gone back to sleep, save for a nap. She'd had a gallon of coffee, like usual, and went about her day. Now that she was alone she pulled up her scrub top a little. She looked, she looked really hard to see if there was anything to see. As far as she could tell there was no difference, no swelling, nothing at all. Her hand found its way there once more. Without putting any pressure, knowing it would only cause pain, she place it swiftly under her belly button. She could feel something and putting the slightest pressure, she could definitely feel a mass. Or a baby. Or what used to be a baby. Feeling her stomach turn at the mere thought, she pulled her hand away and pulled her top back down. Her chest was heaving, the notion that she might be pregnant was terrifying for a number of reasons, not even counting her past. In the last couple of months she hadn't been sleeping or eating or living with any respect for her body or, really, her life. It was a coping mechanism and she'd allowed herself that, it wasn't idyllic, but as long as she could find a way, any way, not to give into the cravings constantly tugging at her she'd just go with it.

A soft knock sounded on the door and Amelia felt a sense of utter relaxation come over her. In a few seconds she'd know and whatever it was and she'd deal with it – her own way, that is. Turning her head, though, she realised it wasn't Arizona, but Owen.

* * *

 _This is the first of what is turning out into a two-shot, I hope (I keep writing and it keeps getting longer and longer). It sounded like an interesting idea in my head, but i'm not sure how it's turning out to be honest. However I would as always love to know what you think, because for once I'm feeling really insecure about this thing. Also I apologise in advance for any spelling/grammar mistakes, I have reread this before posting so many times I have it memorised, soo yep._

 _Thanky you as always for reading and part two will be up in a few days. :)_


	2. Chapter 2

_Here it is people, I waited a couple of days to post it to be able to proof read the whole thing (it's pretty freaking hard to effectively proof read 7k words at once). I put the note up here because I wanted to say a couple of semi important things:_

 _One being how I had a half idea to continue this. I don't know how exactly, if I should just turn this into a multi chapter or just write a series of one/two shots, my brain just swelled with all sorts of adorable ideas and I am so confused. Let me know what you guys think about that possibility because it's a very, very real possibility. It's not marked as complete because I haven't made any decisions in that regard. (plus I already have another multi chapter thingy going and I'm being the worst at updating, soz)_

 _Secondly, if you didn't already know I take prompts on tumblr (indigowaterbears . tumblr . com), but I have so many I'm going to close my inbox in a few days to get some of those actually written, SO if you have anything you want to send please do and fast, especially if it's a really, really, original idea (I got a thousand about weddings and love declarations and naked encounters already, if you do write me be extra creative cos I'd love that.)_

 _Finally, I wanted to thank all the insane amount of people who read and reviewed, really I wasn't expecting any of it. Let me know if this lived up to all your expectations and byee_

* * *

Owen. In all this mess she'd completely forgotten about Owen. Frankly, he was the last person she wanted to see right now for so many reasons it was ridiculous. It still felt so awkward between them, especially when he broke things off with her and right after that her brother died and her whole world was turned upside down and he wanted to be close to her, but not too close. Now he was about to leave for God knows how long, without any guarantee that he would come back at all. There wasn't a shadow of a doubt that, if she was indeed pregnant, he was the father, for once in her life some things were easy and straight forward and she oddly found comfort in that. She looked at him and noticed the awkwardness in his stance. He'd come into the room in two confident strides and now he was looking at her like a lost puppy. His eyes were confused and sad and – as usual – sympathetic. Amelia realised, she probably wasn't looking too good, while she was surely feeling infinitely worse, there was no way she looked even fine. The silence was making the elephant in the room grow bigger and bigger and neither seemed to be willing to do anything about it. Amelia was dreading having to say anything to him, but lucky for her he pulled it together first.

Owen stepped closer to her bed, shifting a little on his feet. "I, uh – I heard you collapsed. I wanted to see how you were doing?"

Amelia bit her cheek. He didn't want to know. Not what she knew, blissful ignorance was the best approach and he should stick to that. She had no idea what to say, if there was anything to say to begin with. He was leaving tomorrow, so even if something was wrong, there wasn't much he could do about that. "I'm okay." Obviously that wasn't enough, but she appreciated how – out of feeling like it wasn't his place to press – Owen just stood there, not asking for more. She owed him more, she had to tell him this. "I'm… uh, I'm anaemic."

"Oh." His eyebrows furrowed, his medical degree told him that she might be telling the truth, yet not the entire truth. His commons sense, though, was urging him not to say anything.

She looked at him. The look in his eyes was making her so angry. Mostly at herself, but at him too. He was looking at her like he couldn't imagine looking at anything else, like he looked at her when she woke up in the morning in his trailer, like he did when he caught her eyes around the hospital – before it all went to hell. "What are you even doing here, aren't you supposed to be off to the desert tomorrow?"

Owen chuckled, but then processed her tone, she had a way of doing that. She could mean something, while saying something else entirely. He couldn't quite make out if it was anger, disappointment, irritation or Amelia trying to be neutral while all those things were boiling up under the surface. "I am." And, after all, it was a good thing that he'd come in. Or maybe not, Amelia was still fighting her instinct to bury today under the pile of crappy days she'd had recently. She couldn't do that – she didn't have to – not yet. She should tell him, but then again, tell him what? She didn't know anything herself and she shouldn't get his hopes up, or crush them, before she knew anything for sure.

The dilemma in her head died, however, when Arizona came back inside dragging along an ultrasound machine, sporting a smile too wide for comfort. Upon seeing Owen standing there, utterly oblivious to the connection between the two, she stopped in her tracks. "Hunt! I thought you were leaving tomorrow?"

"Yeah, tomorrow. I already packed, so I came in."

She grinned, rising an eyebrow in Amelia's direction, quietly asking. When she nodded, Arizona sighed and held up her phone. "I have news and good news, which do you want first?"

Owen looked around, switching between the two of them, he knew perfectly well he was missing something here. He shouldn't have been here in the first place. He had no claim over Amelia apart from that of a concerned colleague, maybe even a friend. This was his cue to leave. "I should go."

Arizona nodded and smiled at him again. Amelia was trying to decide how much worse today could get. She knew there were about a million ways that could happen, but it was still getting worse and worse. Looking down at her hands, fiddling with the blanket on her bed she muttered quietly. "No, you should stay."

Owen's brow furrowed. The vibe he'd got from her literally two seconds earlier was to get out, not just out of the room, but out of this hospital and this country. Now she wanted him to stay. No, she didn't look like she wanted him to stay, more like he had to stay. He tried to catch her eyes, but she was fully intent on memorising the thread on the flimsy knit blanket she was holding. He looked at Arizona questioningly and found she had the same exact look on her face. Only, there was a spark in her eye.

"Oh… oh! Of course." She said, the implications of what just happened between those two downed on her. So many things were going through her head right now. Owen and Amelia. How was that not all over the hospital? It was basically a miracle. And this was just… Arizona was barely containing her excitement. The lost look on Owen's face and the faint blush on Amelia's cheeks was something she was never going to forget. "So which news do you want first?"

Amelia finally looked up, groaning at the overly chirpy look and Arizona's face. "Bad first."

Arizona frowned, but was still smiling widely, irritating Amelia beyond belief. "I never said it was bad, it's just news, which means you're going to decide whether it's good or bad-" Amelia raised her eyebrows, her patience was wearing so thin, she couldn't handle happy, cheerful people today. Or tomorrow. "You are definitely pregnant." Arizona said throwing a hesitating glance Owen's way, loving how his eyes bulged out the same as Amelia's had just a few minutes before. He turned to Amelia, but she was avoiding his eyes. "The better news is that you hCG levels are super high, which is good. Really good."

Owen was shocked. Astonished. Stunned. Amazed. His brain was dead. He couldn't think and he couldn't focus. The only thing he knew, the only thing he was sure about was that Amelia was pregnant. And… wow. He turned to her, finding her looking up at him shyly, with a grimace on her face. "Amelia…"

"Maybe I should give you guys a moment, I can come back later-"

"Please," Amelia turned to Arizona, glad – so glad for the distraction. "Can you do it now?"

Arizona nodded and glanced at Owen, who just shrugged. All the happiness and magical unicorn feelings and emotions she had up to a second ago were gone, poof, they had dissolved in the wind. She thought this was good news, awesome news, but apparently things weren't so easy here. For one she got the distinct feeling that Amelia and Owen, who she was about ninety-eight percent sure was the father in question, were not together and the tension in the room was bad enough that they didn't seem to be on good terms either. Suddenly, the mood changed. Everyone was silent and the tension was palpable. She set up the machine hitting the keys on auto pilot, she'd done it so many times now, it came automatically to her, without the need to employ higher functions. Owen walked to the other side of the bed and just stood there.

"Lift up your scrubs." she said gently, routinely even. She wasn't really sure what the atmosphere called for, granted pregnancy and bleeding didn't warrant for good news, she was confident she wasn't going to deliver really bad news. Not right now. Yet she had no idea if she should be happy or just neutral, if she should address just Amelia or both or neither. It was so confusing and awkward. When Amelia was done adjusting her scrubs for the ultrasound, she warned her feebly about the gel being cold and squeezed it on her flat stomach. Then she grabbed the probe and started moving it, desperately waiting for something to show up on the monitor.

Amelia leaned back and sighed. She was staring intently at Arizona's hand, gripping the blanket still with one hand when she pressed in certain spots. She knew Arizona was throwing apologetic glances her way, she couldn't help it. Still, she couldn't look. Her eyes moved briefly to Owen, she was as quick as humanly possible, hoping he wouldn't catch her doing so. Contrary to hers, his face was literally glued to the monitor. Of course he didn't know about the cramps and the bleeding and all the terrible things that, in her life, seemed to follow the good ones like a shadow.

His feelings were all over the place and he couldn't focus on anything other than that grainy image on the monitor. He couldn't look at Amelia, he'd seen how she was looking the opposite way, actively avoiding any image that would pop up. His heart was thumping in his chest, he could feel his blood pulsing all the way into his neck and in his temples and in his hands and he felt woozy, distracted and frozen in time, as if suddenly time had slowed down for him while it was speeding by for everybody else. He kept looking and looking, not even sure what he was hoping for to be honest. He didn't know what Amelia would want, he knew pregnancy couldn't be easy for her and in these circumstances it wouldn't be easy on anyone at all, so he was stuck. He didn't know what _he_ wanted. Well, he did. He did because every single time Arizona changed the angle and a shadow appeared on the monitor his heart fluttered, he wanted it to be a baby. He wanted it to be his baby, or at least, what he assumed would be his baby, but Amelia wouldn't have told him to stay otherwise, so he was quite sure of that.

"There it is." Arizona smiled, taking her eyes away from the machine turning to her colleagues and friends and people she saw more than her own family. Her heart sank when she saw the look of complete love and admiration on Owen's face. She was no stranger to his quest to have children, how hard he fought and how much he lost, but this was obviously not how he'd imagined it would go. And he was leaving tomorrow. While Amelia was still not looking, eyes either on the ceiling or on the ultrasound probe. She looked back, it was most definitely a baby. "It looks perfectly fine, see I have the head and spine and you can see the heart…" when she got no reaction whatsoever from either parent, Arizona sighed. They should be happy, ecstatic, over the moon, but they weren't even looking at each other. In a last ditch effort to see smiles on their faces, even Amelia's, who was still not looking at the monitor, she tapped a few keys and moved the probe a little until a swooshing sound filled the room. "This is the little one's heartbeat. Strong and steady."

Owen was mesmerised. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen and it didn't even look like anything actually discernible. It never made sense to him why people went crazy over ultrasound pictures, not when to him they just looked like something that came out of a broken printer, but this was amazing. All those feelings, warmth and happiness bubbling inside of him made him want to hug Amelia, to hold her so, so tight, but when his eyes moved to her she was still avoiding the screen and his face fell. So he sat on the bed earning a surprised look from her and he was about to stand again, but then she relaxed, letting her leg lay along his. That was as much comfort as she was allowing, but when he noticed her eyes tearing up hearing the heartbeat, he took her hand in his squeezing it, letting her know he wasn't just sitting there. When she squeezed back he smiled and turned his eyes back on the monitor, the sound of the heartbeat was fading, but Arizona's hand was moving around measuring and taking shots of all the angles. He was obviously lost in his daydreams because when she frowned he felt like his whole world fell apart. It wasn't just a frown, it was a classic doctor look, the one that said that not only something was wrong, but she was definitely not expecting it. On the monitor he noticed something that somewhat calmed him, but was beyond what his medical training allowed him. "What is that?"

Finally Amelia turned. She knew the tone of Owen's voice, she'd heard that so many times before while working together, this was what she'd been waiting for, a sign that something was wrong. She looked at the image on the monitor and just like Owen she was confused. There was a black shadow with a tiny white blob inside and another black shadow above it. As soon as Arizona moved around changing the angle, moving around the second black shadow, she felt as if she'd pressed on the source of all her pain. Amelia laid back, eyes closed, desperately trying to control her breathing. Her hand had Owen's in a death grip and when she opened her eyes she found him staring at her, with an overly concerned look on her face. She sighed. "Why does that hurt so bad?"

Arizona narrowed her eyes and then took an executive decision. "I'll finish here and then answer all of your questions, okay?" the look on their faces was anything but okay. "Just hang on for a couple of minutes." She had a suspicion and a very plausible one and a relatively good one for them. She looked around a bit more, measuring and trying her hardest not to push around too much, knowing Amelia was in pain. The more she looked, the more she felt relieved about this whole situation. Owen was still going back to war and Amelia's brother was still dead, but this was good news, this was finally something good. When she put back the probe on the machine, handing Amelia something to clean away the sticky gel, she took out the tablet and started putting in data and registering everything before turning to them. She needed one more second before she was ready to drown in questions and tears and more questions she couldn't answer. So, when she turned around, she held up a hand making sure they would listen carefully. She pointed at the monitor, where there was still up the image of the two black shadows. She pointed at the white blob. "This is your baby. It measures at about eight weeks and looks healthy, heartbeat is exactly what it should be and it overall looks perfect." Then she sighed, knowing she hadn't eased their worries and fears enough to allow them to take relief in that. "This is another amniotic sack, but as you can see it's empty. What happened here is what's called Vanishing Twin Syndrome, it's fairly common and in your case it poses no danger at all to your other baby, who is – again – in perfect shape. Your body should reabsorb all the tissue. _That_ was the cause of all the bleeding and cramps. Questions?"

While she'd initially thought they would ask a myriad of questions, neither spoke. Not for a while, Owen's eyes were still stuck to the monitor, as if trying to memorise every single detail about it. Everyone was so engrossed in their own internal musings that when Amelia spoke she had to repeat the question. "I did have a miscarriage, then?"

Arizona's heart broke for her. She'd hoped this would be good news considering how, until a little while ago, they were both convinced she was losing it all. Still, she knew how hard it could be. "Technically, yes. You were pregnant with twins that's why your hCG levels were so high, but it's not an actual miscarriage-" from the look on Amelia's face she realised she wasn't doing a good job at making her feel any better. "This happens in about twenty percent of multiple pregnancies. While the causes are unknown, when this happens it generally means that there was something wrong to begin with, genetic abnormalities or developmental issues completely unrelated to you." She looked at her and took her hand, trying to get her full attention. "Amelia you didn't do this. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this and there was nothing you have done to cause this, it's quite obvious seeing as your other baby is completely fine."

For the first time Owen looked directly at Arizona, still keeping a firm hold on Amelia's hand. "What does this mean for the baby? Is there a chance…" he couldn't say the words, he tried to whip out his doctor voice, be focused and rational until he could allow himself not to be, but he couldn't. It had taken all of two minutes for him to get so emotionally attached to a shadow on an ultrasound.

Arizona smiled. "No, it should be over. We are going to check for a few days and keep a close eye on it, but as far as I can tell, everything is just fine."

Amelia, though, could only hear half of it, she'd lost her baby. Again. For some reason she'd thought it would hurt less like this, but right now it felt just as bad. Every time she tried to distract herself and find comfort in the fact that she was still pregnant with what looked like a healthy baby, she just didn't care. She couldn't care. Because it hurt so much to care, to finally let it start to sink in. The persistent pain in her abdomen was clouding her judgement and – desperately wanting to avoid crying – she laid back, closing her eyes. "I wouldn't count on that." She whispered.

Arizona saw how not only Amelia was feeling like this, but Owen's eyes were turned down to were – even if she could see it – they were still holding hands. "Hey, you guys. I know it still feels awful, but…" she took in a deep breath and took the probe again, lifting Amelia's scrubs back up, before either of them could object. She placed the probe again on her belly and in a few seconds a weird, orange shaped alien appeared on the monitor. "It's a bit too soon for a 3D ultrasound, but look here," she pointe with her fingers at the screen. "This is your baby. It's healthy and growing and looking just perfect. I understand how much the loss can hurt, I do, but that was inevitable, believe me it was nature doing its course. Right now you need to focus on this little peanut. Look, you can see the head and, if you squint, those are the eyes and look at that round belly." She smiled, relieved when she found two sets of eyes now glued to the image. "These are the teeny tiny arms and legs. Give it four weeks and you'll get to see the nose and the ears and all the fingers." When neither one spoke, she smiled and stopped talking herself, patting herself on the back for the awesome idea she'd just had. Sometimes working in a hospital had its perks. Finally they looked like they were both on the same page. She just wanted to sit there for a while and just look at them. They made her feel better, as if in some strange way she could absorb their latent happiness and excitement. This was good. So good. Suddenly, her pager went off – ER. "Well, I have to go-" when she turned she saw the look on their faces and knew that her presence was comforting to both, she was no stranger to that feeling you get when all the medical training just goes down the drain when you're the patient or someone you love is. "I will leave you guy with this, you know how it works, and you can just page me if you have anymore questions, okay?" they both nodded, when her pager beeped again. "Alright, alright I'm coming." she looked straight at Amelia. "You should take it easy for a couple of days, but do come in tomorrow so we can check the little one, just to make sure."

Amelia nodded and just stared at Arizona as she left the room, closing the door behind her. she couldn't dare turn to Owen. She couldn't face him, not when she didn't even know how she was feeling herself. She was fine, things were fine, she was handling her life so well lately and this was definitely going to ruin that. This was all sorts of unexpected and all sorts of wrong, wrong timing, wrong circumstances, wrong. Just completely wrong. How was she expected to be happy about being pregnant when she'd just lost a baby, she'd lost another already, she wasn't in a relationship and the father of her unborn child was going to be in a warzone tomorrow and be away for months. The only person who could be there for her and support her was gone, dead, forever leaving a huge void in her life. How was she supposed to get through this? Amelia couldn't think, couldn't breathe, her chest was heaving and air was coming out in shaky, uncontrollable sobs. Owen sat closer and pulled her up, snaking an arm around her waist and another behind her back. He was holding her tight and, she did noticed, it wasn't as tight as he used to, which made her feel even more alone, like he was keeping his distance from her. Only she realised, feeling the hand on her waist was barely touching her while the one holding her head, tangled in her hair, was keeping a strong, comforting hold, he was scared of hurting her, he was being as gentle as he could not to hurt her. "Owen…" she sobbed into his shoulder. She wanted to say something or, rather, she wanted him to say something, she wanted to know what he thought and how he felt about it. Instead, he just whispered calming words into her ear, holding her.

When her sobs started to die down, Owen didn't let go, he just moved his hand to her back, rubbing along her spine, trying to comfort her. The task was hard, but not impossible and he closed his eyes, breathing in slowly. Owen leaned his forehead on her shoulder and kept rubbing her back in regular motions. After what felt like an eternity he realised she wasn't crying anymore, her breath came out uneven and shaky, but she wasn't sobbing and he didn't feel new wet spots on his neck now. "Okay?" he managed to ask. She wasn't okay and he wasn't okay, this wasn't bad news, it was actually really good news, life altering good news. She shook her head against him and he just held her, caressing her hair, soothing her. He somehow managed, without jostling her around too much, to wipe his own tears before pulling back a little. He looked at her, his hands cupped her face, fingers swiftly moving her hair aside, thumbs wiping the remaining tears from her cheeks. When he looked into her eyes his heart burst with so many feelings it actually hurt, but – finally – a good kind of hurt. There was pride, so much pride, excitement, fear, worry, regret and, well, love. Their relationship was so undefined and difficult it was hard to just let go of what happened and be happy together about this little accident. Owen could see it in her eyes, she was thinking the exact same thing, but in a moment of passing clarity he also realised they couldn't just decide this was enough to make it work. He'd learned on his own skin how destructive it could get when you stick with someone for all the wrong reasons and he couldn't let it happen to the two of them, not when it wasn't just the two of them anymore. "Better?"

She nodded, but didn't say anything. Amelia just looked at him, stared deep in his eyes almost as if she thought she could find answers to all the questions she had. She closed her eyes and put her hands on his, holding them where they were for a whole minute, but then taking them down on her lap, on top of the blanket. She stared at their hands, thinking of how screwed up things had got in the last year. She'd left LA to start a new life and somehow she'd ended up in this endless mess of hard and sad and complicated and it seemed to get worse at every turn. Without looking up at him, still keeping her hands entwined in his she sighed. "I don't think that I can do this."

Owen felt his heart sink in his chest. Not again. He'd just assumed she wanted kids, he'd assumed she wasn't Cristina Yang. She came from a big family and she loved kids, she loved babysitting, it was a no brainer to him that she would want children. She had told him, though, about losing her baby. She had and for a moment he hoped that if that was in fact the problem he could somehow convince her she shouldn't give up on this now. "Amelia…"

"I could, I know I could, but I did it before and it's so freaking hard Owen. I came out of it that I was destroyed, I don't even know how I pulled it together, but I know I won't be able to do it again-"

"No, Amelia. No." he grabbed her hands in his and pulled them to him. This couldn't be happening. For a few seconds there he'd been so happy, yes he had been worried and suspicious and confused and scared, but so happy. And now she was about to take it all away. "You can do it, you can. I'll be there with you all the way, okay? I will."

Amelia looked up at him, puzzled and maybe even a bit angry, as if what he was saying was complete and total nonsense. "Owen you're leaving tomorrow. Tomorrow. How can you be here if you'll be on the other side of the world?"

He hung his head. She was right, she was so right he didn't even know what he should say right now to make things better. Amelia was one of the reasons he had reenlisted and was going back to work in the warzone, her, their failed attempt at being together, the plane crash, Derek dying, Meredith disappearing, everything basically falling apart around him had given him more reasons to go than stay. But this, this – _his_ baby, it was reason to stay. It was his reason to stay, especially if it meant Amelia keeping it, he'd be there for her, all the time, in any way she wanted. "I won't go. I just won't go and I'll be here with you."

He thought this was it, this was the right decision, that she'd be okay and happy and would decide it was good enough, but her eyes started tearing up and he realised he was obviously missing something. "No. I don't want you to give that up for me. You can't. You have to go, you'll resent me if you'll stay for me."

This was Meredith and Derek all over again. He wasn't going to say a thing, but it was quite obvious where she got that idea. Bringing her dead brother and his missing family into the argument really wasn't going to make his argument, so he refrained and instead tried a different approach. "I won't resent you. I won't because if going away means losing you and the baby, then it's not worth it. Going back was a way to feel useful and needed, when everything was just falling apart here, but if it means choosing between that and my baby, it's not even a choice."

"I never said you had to choose."

"But you did." He insisted, he felt like she kept saying something, meaning something else entirely and it was driving him mad. They'd started off like that and he had an inkling it would always be like this, at least until she found she could trust him with the entire truth, without the need to hide it or run away. "Amelia this is a good thing. If me staying means you won't give it up, then so be it-"

Amelia frowned. "Give it up? I never said anything about…" then it downed on her. This conversation had two sides and they were each arguing missing the entire point. "You think I was talking about the baby? Owen I can't do this _alone._ " When relief washed over him, she realised he had been indeed thinking that. "You really thought I was talking about terminating? When I just lost one of my-"

At her increasingly angry tone he smiled broadly, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his chest. "Stop, Amelia, stop. I was wrong, that's one of my demons and when you said you couldn't do it… I was scared. So scared." He looked at her and he was speechless. All that fear and agony that had begun to form inside of him was fading away and the happy warm feelings from before were resurfacing. "Of course I'll be here for you. For the both of you, why would you ever think that I wouldn't? You honestly thought I would just abandon you?"

She sighed, exhaling slowly, letting a small smile form on her lips. Given all the bumps in their relationship after just a few weeks, she hadn't dared to just assume he would stick around. If Ryan had been alive back when she got pregnant the first time she knew he would have been there – hell, they were engaged, they had discussed having kids. Despite the similar length of the relationship her and Owen had barely spoken two words to one another, most of them about how things were not working or were never going to work. "Owen you called us a plane crash. Said you could never survive another plane crash," she gesture to herself and down to her mid-section. "This is not a plane crash, this is freaking nine-eleven waiting to happen. I know I can do this alone, if I have to. I already have. But you're not dead, you're here so I'm telling you I…" her voice broke. She felt all her feeling and emotions amplified tenfold, she knew it was hormones, but it was still annoying.

"Shh, come on. I was wrong about the plane crash. Cristina was my plane crash, I should have never said that to you. You didn't deserve that. I should have fought harder, if I had fought harder maybe we wouldn't be here." He said, caressing her cheek, starting to feel the ticking of the clock echo in his head. He motioned for her to scoot over and sat beside her on the bed, taking her hand in both of his. Time was passing, they had been in this room for over an hour now and it was almost dark out. He felt like time was slipping away so fast. He remembered that morning, when he'd followed Amelia to give her the phone, maybe if he'd stayed for breakfast Derek would have left ten minutes later and now he wouldn't be dead. He would be here. Meredith would be here. It was useless now to think like that.

Amelia chuckled and he saw that spark in her eyes, the one he hadn't seen in months. "Owen you do know I would still be pregnant. I mean, obviously I was already pregnant when the plane crash happened." Ironically, she'd been pregnant when the other plane crash happened as well. It was a strange coincidence and one she hoped didn't stick. She shook her head and looked down. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

Amelia just shrugged her shoulders and gave him a half smile. The only time she'd done things right in her life was with James and that had ended – period. He'd been all kinds of wrong for her, he'd been a great friend her and he loved her when she needed someone to love her, but once she was better, once she was standing on her own two feet she'd seen they wanted different things, or rather, they wanted the same things, she just didn't want them with him. She'd felt an insurmountable amount of guilt, because she felt like she'd deceived him all along and trapped him in a relationship with an expiration date. In a way, she felt the exact same way now. "For what happened. For calling us a mistake, for avoiding you and driving you crazy." She looked at him, all blurry and not able to make out more than a general outline, through the tears in her eyes. "For getting pregnant."

"I think we are equally to blame for that one and, for one, I'm not sorry about that." He bumped her shoulder playfully with his.

"Not yet." Amelia said jokingly and then she relaxed. For the first time today, actually, for the first time in a very long time, she just let go. She leaned her head on his shoulder and felt butterflies when Owen laid his head against hers. "And I'm sorry for losing the baby."

Owen pulled away, trying to catch her eyes, but she was obviously putting all her efforts into avoiding his, so he ended up wrapping an arm behind her back, pulling her against him, more careful when he saw the grimace on her face. He smiled broadly when she not only let him, but didn't tense up at the contact. He leaned down to kiss her head. "That's not your fault and you know it. Chances are we would have never known about it if you hadn't passed out. Our baby is just fine." he said taking the hand he was holding and placing it on her stomach, keeping his on top of hers. She just snuggled deeper into him, kissing his cheek and then laying her head down on his shoulder. "I'm not going." He whispered, feeling her like this was enough of a reason to never leave, ever. Not unless she was leaving with him.

"Yes, you are." Amelia pulled away and looked up at him. Without moving his head he looked down at her. their eyes locked and it felt like the first time he ever laid eyes on her. It was new and different and he hadn't done it in such a long time, it might as well _be_ the first time. He knew she was different now, he'd felt the sadness and brokenness that she didn't have before, yet her blue eyes looked at him in the same way as they had since their kiss outside of the trailer. They were dazed, unfocused, as if a million thoughts were going through her head. The moment, though his eyes fell on her lips, slightly parted, he straightened up. He needed to focus.

"I'm not." He said, causing Amelia to roll her eyes. "You need to take it easy for the next few days and you can't do that if you're alone."

Amelia sat up, pulling away completely from him. "No, Owen, you are going. They need you down there, it's obviously something you want to do, and I don't want you to stay because you feel some sort of obligation to me. You're going."

Owen shook his head. He'd thought it was a no brainer. A few minutes before she'd told him she didn't want to do this alone, she needed him here and now she was basically kicking him out of the country. The deep-seated issues that were bringing this up were extremely delicate ones and he couldn't upset this fantastic equilibrium they had reached in the last ten minutes for that. "You need me here and I want to be here. For you. For the both of you."

"Yes, but you need to do that too and the sooner you go the better. I want you to go and then come back. Okay?"

Owen was just… sad. He knew she was right. In time, maybe, he'd get to tell her that. Leaving was the last thing he wanted to do right now, he wanted to stay, he wanted to be at the ultrasound tomorrow and he wanted to hold her hair when she got sick and snuggle in bed late at night. He wanted to feel kicks and pick out names. He wanted this life, _this_ life was the one he'd been waiting for since Cristina left and now that he had it he was leaving. "Then I'm going for you." Then he realised what he'd just said and frowned. "Are you pushing me away, because you want me to push back? Please tell me because my brain is slowly shutting down and I can't figure it out all by myself. I don't want to make that mistake again."

"No, I want you to go." She gave him a big, big smile. "You can call me every day and I'll text you if anything happens. I need you to go and to come back to me – us, in one piece." His eyes softened when he noticed her hand was resting right where their baby was. All she felt was light and happiness and hope. Before her brain could process it, her other hand moved behind his neck, pulling his face down to hers. It was probably the emotional overflow of the moment and all those crazy hormones clouding her judgement and rational thought, but she couldn't help it. It was Owen that put a stop to it.

He looked at her and noticed she was a mix of disappointed and confused. Caressing her cheek, he smiled. "We can save that for when I come back, let's just not… rush it." He felt all tingly and happy all over and he was so excited he could be bouncing off the walls right now, the only sad note to the day was the fact that his first thought had been Derek. Telling Derek, getting lectures from him for getting his little sister pregnant, spending Christmas and Easter and birthdays all together. He didn't say a word. He knew she must have thought about it, he knew his absence right now of all times, would hit her harder than him. Owen looked away, getting his bearings before he would say or do the wrong thing and noticed the ultrasound still sitting there, he turned to Amelia.

She was chewing the inside of her cheek nervously. "Can we really make it work?" when his eyebrows raised she expanded. "Because in a few months there is going to be a baby counting on us to make it work."

Owen shrugged, he had no idea how he was supposed to answer to that. "I hope so. There's no other way to know, we try and we try and if we fail, well…" seeing her eyes tear up, he felt like he could have maybe kept the last few words to himself, for her sake, for now. "Focus on right now, one day at the time. How about we just look at it a little while longer?"

She grinned and without saying a word she laid back, pulling up her top for the tenth time today. She was quite sure she wasn't going to be able to wash the awful smell of the gel away for a few days. Not that it really mattered anyway. She observed curiously as Owen manoeuvred the ultrasound, he looked adorably confused and fidgety. "When was the last time you used one of those?" she joked.

"Uh, this morning actually." When he finally figured out the settings he needed, he took out the probe and looked at her as unamused as he managed, before chuckling. "However it's been over a decade since I used it to look at babies." He hesitantly put the probe on her belly and started moving it around, but nothing was showing up on the monitor. Getting more frustrated by the minute, he started moving it a bit faster, pushing down a little. Adding to his frustration Amelia kept giggling at him, trying desperately to find their baby and still just getting grainy shadows of her internal organs.

She gasped and bent forward as he hit that same spot Arizona got before. The cramps were getting better, especially considering she'd spent the afternoon laying down, something she hadn't done since moving up here. Owen turned and started apologising and putting the probe away, but instead, she put her hand over his, guiding it around, tightening her hold whenever he hit a spot that hurt. When Owen felt her hand wrap over his, their eyes met and the silent communication between them was all that needed to be said for neither knew the words to say those things aloud. When finally they found their baby again, Owen hit a few keys and the sound of the heartbeat filled the room, as they both adjusted the probe to hear it better. It was calming and soothing and something short of a miracle. Their own teeny tiny miracle.


	3. Chapter 3

_I seriously apologise for how long this turned out to be, I considered splitting it, but there was no way it would have any sense. Also I'm sorry about the hold up in posting, I have noticed the timeline in the show is a little weird, Amelia's pregnancy here is timed almost exactly like Meredith's and while I was looking up pregnancy stuff (cos I know virtually nothing about it) I saw the dates didn't match. So I'm working on adjusting that all the while trying to maintain some sort of continuity with the show as not to make it too au. Apart from that, I hope this is any good, my social life spiked and I have had less time and energy to look after this one, so let me know (for real). I won't make any promises about updates because I have a lot to do in the next couple of days, but it's going to happen before next week for sure._

 _p.s. I'm going to give this another read tomorrow and clean out any residual spelling and grammar mistakes, I'm posting this mid day and my brain is already dead, so bear with me for now._

* * *

It felt like a dream. When Amelia woke up the next morning, she couldn't tell where her life ended and the dream began. It was absurd and it was the typical one in a million shot type of things, the one that only happens in the movies. Breathing deeply she checked the time, her alarm had yet to go off, so she should have more than enough time to get ready for work. Her alarm had not gone off indeed. It was late, so late. It was so late that she'd waken up because of the light coming through the large windows in her room. Blinking rapidly a few times she tried to wake her brain up, not a method rooted in science, but one that undoubtedly worked. And that's when she remembered everything. She was in her room, because yesterday Owen had insisted on taking her home, so she could sleep in her own bed. It had been weird and awkward and neither had wanted to say anything that could possibly ruin the day. Suddenly the good news from yesterday didn't sound all that good anymore. Her hand snaked down to where she knew she would feel the little bump, mostly to make sure it was really there. Amelia traced the outline – the parts she could feel – and felt something she hadn't felt in so long. It always sounded so stupid to her, getting attached to a few cells growing inside of your body. Like getting attached to a tumour. She'd been happy, yesterday, elated and excited, but now the rainbows were fading and the unicorns were running away. It was a giant mess, one of epic proportions. She couldn't be pregnant, she couldn't have another baby. Not in any circumstances and especially not like this. She didn't want another baby, she had convinced herself she did, Sheldon's overbearing presence and comfort had somehow made her believe she could get past what happened to her son, but right now she couldn't. Her stomach turned at the thought. She was going to be someone's mom again and with any luck they'd get to live more than a few minutes. Problem was, she didn't want that, she couldn't handle that now. The last couple of months her main goal had been surviving, putting one foot in fron of the next, staying clear of anything else.

Her stomach turned and she willed it to be morning sickness instead of nerves and regret. Sadly, it didn't quite work that way. Amelia looked at the clock again and realised Owen's plane had taken off a couple hours ago. The plane she'd convinced him to take. There was a part of her infinitely glad he was gone for now, she needed time and space and carrying his baby didn't allow her that privilege, but being a continent apart would certainly help. Then again, she wanted him here. Only some of the time – like right now – she wanted him here, she wanted him here when she had to have another ultrasound. She wanted him here when her scrubs no longer hid the bump on her stomach and she wanted him here right now when she wanted to have apple with cheese and chocolate chips in the middle of the night. Because she was freaking out. Completely and totally freaking out. She couldn't do this, who was she kidding. All those things they had said yesterday, all hyped on hormones and happy, tingly feelings were worth nothing at the moment. Her and Owen were not together, they had never really been and they were having a child. Their child would be born in a few months and they were not together. They weren't even friends, she had no idea what it was. Right now, she needed Owen to tell her what to do, but he was gone. Because she'd made him go. Because she would have been beyond mad if he'd stayed. Yet she wanted him here. It made no sense at all. Picking up her phone she saw he'd texted her, he was saying goodbye, he hadn't called to let her sleep and wanted her to text him after the ultrasound because he didn't know when that would be and he'd spend the day hopping on and off planes. Amelia couldn't help but not know how to feel. Her stomach twisted even more at the realisation that there was the chance Owen might just want his baby. The text felt so cold and distant and when she had tried to kiss him yesterday, he'd pulled away. The sick feeling that he would now put up with her only because she was the mother of his child settled in the pit of her stomach. She was alone and scared out of her mind. Quick as she could she got dressed and grabbed her car keys and headed to the hospital, leaving behind that haunted house and empty land. Derek was gone and so was Meredith, knowing Owen was right across the clear had been comforting, but now that he was gone too, she couldn't handle being there alone.

She was walking to the attendings' lounge planning to dutifully do nothing but review charts and read research magazines. Unfortunately, the first person to spot her was Arizona. When Amelia met her eyes she had a scolding look on her face and shook her head at her. "What did we say about taking it easy?"

Amelia smiled, it was fake and the skin on her cheeks was stretching way too much. She gestured at the couch and magazines. "I am. I'm not working, promise."

Arizona huffed. Doctor patients were so annoying, permanently convinced they could treat themselves. She closed the door behind her and walked over to the other couch, sitting down facing her. "You should be resting, Amelia." She said in a low, soft voice. "I'm serious."

"Yeah." Amelia nodded and looked away. She should have a brother and a boyfriend and she should have a three year old son and she should have a father. Somehow, every time she thought about her future she just felt the past dragging back down her more and more. It felt as if every single person she lost was yet another weight chained to her feet and it was getting pretty damn hard to go on. Especially when her brain had registered – mid way to the hospital – that there was a chance, a bigger one than usual, that Owen would join her dad and Derek and Ryan and Pete and Mark and her baby. "I'm resting, just not at home."

Arizona looked at her sceptically, Amelia's voice was less sarcastic, less playful and so full of sorrow. She didn't know Amelia well enough to know if she was lying or not, if she should check on her or just let her be. "You're telling me you're not going to see patients or do surgery? Not even consults?" Deer in the headlights. She'd planned to go down to the ER after a nap, but now she couldn't lie. "Amelia."

"Okay, okay." She shrugged her shoulders, turning back to the magazine. "I won't do anything besides eating and napping. I promise." She looked at Arizona and could still see the blatant mistrust in her eyes. "I'm not even going to do charts, nada."

Arizona shook her head knowing it was a lost cause to argue with pregnant surgeons, she knew all about that, she'd better not waste any energy. Pulling out her phone she checked her schedule, barring any emergencies she had a little time before her next surgery. "I have a few minutes, do you want to do the ultrasound now, so then you can go home?"

A lump formed in Amelia's throat. She wasn't going to go home. There was no way she'd go back there tonight. Or tomorrow. Not when she saw ghosts around every corner, not when it felt so empty she'd rather sleep at the cemetery. Every corner she turned she saw Zola's shadow or Bailey crawling or she'd check to see if Meredith was around. Late at night she sometimes heard Derek's voice, from his bedroom, she heard him call her name. It was daunting and living there, in the Dream House, had turned into a nightmare. She didn't know what to do about her living arrangements, but for now the hospital would do.

She must have seen it in her eyes, because Arizona warned her softly. "Amelia."

It was between a warning and a last ditch effort to reach out to her. "I can't go back there. I'll figure something out, okay? I just can't. It's spooky."

"I can understand that, but you can't stay here either. Especially not now. You can't think only for yourself." Her eyes softened so much Amelia wanted to vomit. "It might sound stupid, but it's important. Where you sleep, how much you sleep it does matter. Your baby needs you to take care of him or her now too, which means taking care of yourself."

She knew all about that. She didn't need any lectures on how to take care of herself and her baby, she'd done it before and she'd done it well, so well that her baby had been a viable donor and saved dozens of other babies. She'd taken care of herself when most women would have terminated or just let go. When she could have very well found her way to the pier and drowned all the sorrow in her life in drugs, so many drugs. Despite being still in recovery and grieving the loss of her fiancé, she'd done everything she could for her son. Arizona couldn't know that, or rather, she couldn't bear to breath those words out loud, to anyone. Amelia felt her eyes burn with tears, she'd forgotten how much she hated pregnancy hormones. Breathing in deeply she gathered all her composure, praying it would last long enough, and looked up at Arizona, not even bothering to put on a smile. "We can, uh, do it now. The ultrasound."

Arizona smiled, relieved. "Alright. You can page Owen while I'll go look for an empty room."

And Amelia felt a stab in the chest. Owen wasn't going to be here. Up to now she had not realised that by sending him away, convinced it was what was best for him – and by extension her – she was taking away from him all these moments. Ultrasounds and pictures and heartbeats. She felt the guilt rise like bile in her throat and felt the urge to call him, beg him to come home. Not to be with her, but to share this with her. One thing at the time. "He's not coming." Arizona turned, confused. "He's on a plane to Iraq. Well, actually, he's on a plane to London, then Rome and then one to Iraq, but yeah. He won't make it."

Arizona nodded and decided not to ask. She could see Amelia struggling as it was, she didn't want to add up. "Okay then, let's get the little one checked out."

Amelia followed her wordlessly out of the room. To think she'd been so happy yesterday. For the first time in a very long time – way before her brother died – she'd felt good. She'd felt as if the universe was finally giving back after taking so much from her, she'd always imagined there had to be kind of a balance, something that would explain the truck load of bad she'd put up with ever since she was a little kid. Today, though, it didn't feel too good. It felt messy, the stressful and frustrating kind of messy she couldn't handle right now. And she'd driven away the only person who was there for her. Way to go, Amelia. She looked down as she walked, a couple of steps behind Arizona, avoiding the eyes of all the people passing by, as if just with a look they would know everything going on with her. After a few tries they found an empty exam room and walked in, locking the door behind. The last thing Amelia needed was the entire hospital to know she was pregnant. She didn't even know if she was still pregnant, regardless, it was going to be hard enough as it was. She sat down, pulling up her scrub top like she'd done so many times yesterday and her mind, without her explicit permission, went to the last ultrasound, the one Owen had done. Or tried. The one they ended up doing together.

"Whenever you're ready." Arizona smiled soothingly, noticing the look in Amelia's eyes. She'd noticed it yesterday too, how she was trying too hard to keep it together and, while it appeared so, just by looking into her eyes she could see the immense amount of pain and effort it took. Arizona found she had a lot of respect for her, for her strength. Her will to move forward, push through.

Amelia nodded and flinched as the cold gel hit her skin. Arizona was talking to her, she was sure of that, but she couldn't hear a word she was saying. Her eyes were fixated on the transparent, sticky stuff on her belly and she couldn't focus on another single thing. Her head was full, filled to the brink with every possible worry and fear and guilt and hope and anticipation. She couldn't help it, her gut and her medical training both told her the embryo growing inside of her was fine, well, as fine as an ultrasound could determine this early, but fine nonetheless. Yet she was trying her hardest to keep her hopes down, expecting the worst, after all her track record didn't really leave space to warm, fuzzy feelings. She stared intently at Arizona's hand move, tentatively and swiftly at first, once she tested her pain level today it started pressing down a little harder in certain spots. Amelia kept her eyes away and Arizona ignored that, continuing the exam. It was stupid, in a way, Amelia knew that, she knew everything was most likely fine. She wasn't in pain anymore, discomfort at best, and she'd felt the same mass from yesterday, it was still there. She'd seen the ultrasound images and, while her everyday work rarely had her go over ultrasounds of babies, she was fairly certain it was okay. It was normal, it was how it should be. Once again, the more it looked okay, the more it just felt cruel. Its sister or brother died. The fact that this one was looking good, had been enough of an incentive yesterday not to think about the loss, but staring at the probe moving around she felt a wave of sadness wash over. And tears, damn hormones.

Arizona put the probe away and handed her something to wipe the gel. Amelia took it, without looking up, finally breaking her overly intense focus. She mechanically wiped the hideous gel and pulled the top back down, looking up at Arizona for the first time since she started the exam. She smiled, that wide dimply smile that seemed forever plastered on her face. Actually, no, it wasn't the smile she wore every single day, it was a little different. Amelia noted, there was a note of… sympathy, something she wasn't particularly fond of. "So, what's the verdict?"

The smile grew wider, but she now could feel it wasn't as perky and cheerful as usual. It was reassuring and warm. It was a parent smile, not a friend smile. "Everything looks absolutely perfect. The measurements suggest you're about seven weeks, while the development puts you at eight, don't worry about that, it's completely normal this early for the two not to match and considering what happened, I wouldn't worry too much about it." Amelia nodded numbly. She felt so alone. And so stupid. It was her own fault she was alone. "Your due date should be halfway through January, although I can't be more precise right now, we'll just wait a few weeks and see how your little one settles, so I can date the pregnancy better." Amelia nodded again, sitting up, ready to go and busy herself with reading something long and complicated to keep her mind off this and hopefully tire it enough that she'd have a worry free nap before lunch. However, Arizona was not done. "Of course, if _you_ can date it better already, we can be better prepared."

The hint was no hint. It was a question and, at the moment, one she didn't know the answer to. Well, part of it. Her and Owen hadn't slept together only once, but not that many times and for so long that it was impossible to guess. Still, she didn't know what Arizona wanted to know. "No, not any better than that."

Arizona nodded thoughtfully. "Amelia." She tried to get her attention, she'd been avoiding eye contact for the whole duration of the exam and she'd barely been able to look at her before. "If you need anything … if you need to talk, I'm here."

Amelia nodded, sniffling, but never looking up. If only it was that easy. "I'm fine, but thanks. You're already doing enough."

"Oh, please. This is my job." Arizona's eyes softened, even though Amelia couldn't see she could guess. She had got enough pity looks to sense it. "I mean everything else. You look like you could use a friend and I'm an awesome friend."

Finally Amelia looked up at her. The smile on her face just didn't want to stay, she couldn't blame it. "Thanks, but it's okay, really." She sighed, she was trying her hardest to be convincing, to put on a brave face and look as confident as she'd have liked to be right then. From the look Arizona gave her it didn't take a genius to know she was failing miserably. She wanted a friend, she did want someone, but at the same time she didn't want to be anyone's pity case. There was Richard for that already, she appreciated his effort and his attention, but it was still annoying and mildly frustrating to be dragged to meetings like clockwork. "It's just…" she shook her head. Even if she tried she didn't know where to begin.

Arizona waited a few seconds for her to continue, but when it became obvious that she wasn't going to she just took the plunge. "Owen left?" when her brain registered the question she wanted to slap herself. "I mean, I thought he would stay, considering-"

"He knocked me up?" Amelia smiled sadly. It seemed she had made an even bigger mess than necessary. She should have let Owen stay – it wasn't as if she'd shoved him on the plane, verbally, maybe, but he was adult and vaccinated – she shouldn't have given him an ultimatum. She hadn't really, but she'd basically told him if he had stayed he would have ended up resenting her, while right now she was growing more and more sure of how he was going to resent her for sending him away. This was his baby too, just because she had sole custody at the moment, it didn't mean she could just take it away. To think they were starting out this way, what a promising eighteen years they were facing. "He wanted to. I think."

Arizona frowned, narrowing her eyes. The two of them were contorted and illogical and just a pretty bundle of nonsense she wasn't so sure about getting in the middle of anymore. "He wanted to stay? But he left." She tried to reason, evidently Amelia saw a connection she was missing.

Amelia sighed, letting her head fall in her hands, elbows propped up on her legs. It made even less sense when spelled out. Maybe she needed to write things down before saying or doing anything, she would find herself in these situations less frequently, and with far less permanent consequences. "I told him to go."

"So he wanted to stay, but you told him to go and he just left?" she tried it out, maybe hearing it, the whole thing would suddenly make perfect sense. Amelia let out a shaky breath without looking up. The Owen Hunt she knew didn't bend so easily, she'd seen the look on his face yesterday, on both their faces and, while they weren't the typical excited parents-to-be looks, she'd seen them holding hands and comforting each other. Amelia nodded. "But… why? Didn't you want him here?"

Amelia looked up, eyes wide and mouth open, but no words come out. Her frustration was reaching limits she didn't even know she had. She threw her hand up and looked at Arizona dejectedly. "Hell if I know." She feels her voice crack and a lump in her throat, the tears in her eyes are now almost a constant presence today. Deciding not to waste anymore time and effort cursing her hormones, she turns her eyes back to her lap.

"I had no idea you guys were dating." Arizona says casually when Amelia stops talking. It felt a little weird, but she was supposed to be an awesome friend, so she just sucked it up. "I know for a fact this hospital is worse than high school and nobody knew about you two. I mean, I've been the talk of the hospital many more times than I would have liked, so I know that you can't sneeze here without everyone knowing about it. I'm impressed, you managed to keep it a secret."

Amelia sighed. She'd told Derek. She'd told Derek the day before he died and Meredith had found out the next morning. It was bittersweet and it made her hurt deep inside her chest, a tightening wrenching kind of pain she wished one day she wouldn't feel anymore. She'd told Derek and the next day she'd broken it up, told Owen it was a mistake. She got scared and she ran. Then Owen ran. They both ran from each other, from the possibility that they might get hurt. They were so similar that way, they'd been hurt so much before, it was scary. Being open and vulnerable almost didn't feel worth the happiness, not when it could backfire so bad. "There was nothing to keep a secret anyway."

Arizona couldn't help but disagree, not after what she'd seen yesterday. "So you're not together?"

She turned to look at Arizona, a sad, resigned smile on her face. "No."

Arizona felt her heart sink. Break into a million pieces for them. There wasn't animosity between them, or even an hint of friction. Anything but. In fact, what she'd witnessed yesterday had led her to believe they were indeed together, she was a bit confused at how he was going back to Iraq, but now it all made so much sense. They were her silver lining, that little bit of good in the ocean of dark and depressing, and to know that it was just as sad and messy as the rest it just made her feel worse. "Why not?" Amelia quirked an eyebrow. "Yeah, yeah, I know, none of my business. Why are you not together?"

Amelia sighed, how could she answer that when she didn't know the answer herself? It was complicated, so complicated that it wasn't even worth untangling it, maybe. "It just didn't work out."

Yet Arizona knew that wasn't the whole truth. She'd seen people hook up and people fall in love and people break up around here, she was one of those people. She was more than qualified to know what was that she'd seen yesterday and it was more than a couple of dates gone bad. It wasn't even that. She'd seen the connection between the two. "And you just gave up?"

Amelia felt her defences going up. She wasn't used to people butting in her life anymore, not like that. She'd become private and detached, professional and polite. She was not funny or outspoken or hilariously childish anymore. She was a grown up now, some days she wondered when the hell that happened. Then again she knew exactly when that happened, day and month and year, down to the minute. Holding her baby knowing he was going to die changed her, deep inside. Or rather just destroyed parts of her permanently. She'd learned a lot the hard way, she owed a lot to her baby. "I guess we did."

The sad smile on Arizona's face was not all that different from the one Amelia had. Only it wasn't her life that was being turned inside out, continuously. Her life was enough of a mess as it was, but it was a regular kind of mess – at least now – it was something she could deal with, people got divorces for all kinds of reasons, but she had an inkling as to how Amelia was feeling. The year of the plane crash was a bad one, a seemingly endless series of bad. Lexie died and then Mark and then she lost her leg, when she ended up cheating on Callie it felt like it couldn't get any worse. She knew now, more than ever how important it was to keep people close. "What are you going to do now?"

"I have no idea." She shrugged her shoulder in complete and utter defeat. She didn't know and, seen how today was going, all her doubts and fears would slowly come back up in the next few days. Especially the ones regarding pregnancy, which had surprisingly been silent still. "I told him to go. I thought it was the right thing, but now I'm not so sure. I feel like such an idiot."

Arizona frowned. "Did you want him to stay, then?"

Amelia looked at her as if asking what she should do and what she should say. One second she wanted him next to her, then she wanted him to _be_ with her and then she wanted him as far away as he could go. "I hadn't spoken to him ever since he told me Derek was dead. Yesterday, for the first time in months we talked." With a one sided smile she caught the curious look in Arizona's eyes. "We were never together, so in a way we never broke up."

To Arizona this still didn't explain the nature of their relationship. She'd never thought she'd get to see the day Owen would get over Cristina, not just by dating someone else, but actually letting himself be with someone else fully. She remembered Emma, who on paper was everything he was looking for, and he'd probably realised that and tried so hard to make it work with her, tried and tried, but his head wasn't in it. Cristina was there and he always would find his way back to her. Maybe with her leaving he had the chance to distance himself from her, not from his feelings for her, those were eternal whether he wanted that or not, nothing Amelia or any other woman could do about it. Still, they way he'd looked at Amelia yesterday was not the same way he'd looked at Emma for the brief time they dated. There was also the fact that Amelia was currently carrying his child, a child he'd been waiting for for years. Anyway, Arizona was entirely convinced it went beyond the baby. He'd come running to check on her, before she even knew she was pregnant in the first place, that had to count for something. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

Amelia shrugged. "Are you sure? I can think of ten more interesting things you could do right now, just off the top of my head."

Arizona nodded eagerly, not just out of undying curiosity, but invested into this as well. Her and Amelia had spent a lot of time together when she was working on Herman's tumour, but the conversation had almost always been professional, save for a few mean comments about interns or that awkward looking nurse on the third floor. "Absolutely." When Amelia still looked hesitant to talk, when it was clear as day she needed to, Arizona patted her knee affectionately. "Amelia Owen is my friend too. I'm sure he'll feel better knowing that you have people here." _Now that you're brother is dead and the rest of his family is gone with the wind, and the father of your unborn child is operating on soldiers in the warzone._ Smooth.

She sighed, resigned to Arizona's insistence. It didn't bother her, it was a strangely familiar kind of intrusion in her private life, one that she had missed too damn much. "I told him something. I don't even know why, something not even Derek knew." She waits, letting Arizona know there is no way she is going to get in any more detail about that. "I can't explain it, but after that it was… different and, apparently, it wasn't just me. So I went to see him, at the trailer." She closed her eyes remembering the bottle of sparkling water she'd brought along. Real seduction material. She remembered the handful of seconds that passed when she was walking away before he called her. Not to mention the kiss. She had not been expecting that, if she knew that was going to happen she would have swiped something better from Derek's collection – for Owen only, of course. "He kissed me."

Arizona could see the sparkles in Amelia's eyes, they way her face just brightened at the mention of that kiss. She could see that she wasn't really here with her, her eyes were dazed and unfocused, if she had to bet they were deep in the woods, right by the tin can.

"I was terrified and I avoided him. I used Herman's tumour as an excuse-"

Arizona's eyes widened until they were so big they were about to pop out of their sockets. She couldn't believe this. This had gone on right under her nose and she had completely missed it. granted her focus wasn't on Amelia's love life, much less Owen's, but she had to slap herself on the back of the head for missing this. "But that was months ago.

"Yeah." Amelia breathed out. It was such a long time ago, over six months ago. "I resisted it. I came here to start fresh, running from an engagement and an apparently endless string of crappy years in LA. I didn't want to dive right back into it, I wanted to feel my two feet on the ground before anything like that." Arizona was looking at her, barely able to maintain her seemingly sad and contrite appearance, when on the inside she was screaming all over. Amelia had to smile at that, she'd give her this, the first few weeks of her and Owen were fairy tale worth, however the rest was just a bad Lifetime movie. "I caved. We both did. It was weird, though, you know?" Seeing her look Amelia rectified. "No, not like that. It's just that we sort of jumped from a kiss to what felt like an established relationship. I can't explain it, it felt like we just skipped all the steps and we just where at that point where you know what the other is thinking without saying a word."

Arizona breathed out. This was… unexpected. This was deep and the look in Owen's eyes told her he would have said the exact same thing. "Wow."

Amelia nodded sadly, now came the part of the story she wasn't so comfortable and confused about. "Yeah, wow. When I realised that, when I took a moment to look at my life and saw that I freaked. I pushed him away, told him it was a mistake. Frankly in my head it was, I was here to focus on work and help out with the family, not to get myself into another messy relationship that could potentially screw me over once again."

"And he just gave in?" Arizona was sad now. This sounded all so magical and now it suddenly got real. Knowing how things likely worked out, she had the urge to go back in time and fix it before it was too late.

"No, not really. We started that thing where I say something and he hears something else entirely and vice versa and in the end he said we were just a plane crash waiting to happen." She saw Arizona wince at the reference, knowing she too knew Owen was referring to that one plane crash in particular. The one that had cost her her leg. "It was a reality check. Next time we spoke it was to tell me my brother died and that about sums it all up."

Arizona frowned. This wasn't what she'd witnessed yesterday. For the better part of the ultrasound she'd been convinced they were… well, not this. Owen sounded so out of character, she knew the plane crash had hit them all hard, especially the ones directly involved and Callie and Owen. But Amelia had nothing to do with the plane crash, that was years ago and she hadn't even been here at the time. She sighed. She'd held it against Callie for so long, needing someone to blame for what happened to them, needing to let her frustration out, the bitterness she was feeling inside everyday. She got that. She got it when Cristina left. Amelia couldn't get it and she shouldn't have to. "But yesterday you looked…"

"Happy?" Amelia snorted. "I'm so full of hormones I could almost consider switching to peds – no offense – I don't know about Owen, but yesterday was the heat of the moment. I've had time to think and this," she held her hand on her belly, looking down wistfully. "This can't be something we handle like that." Amelia sighed. "I made him go because I need him to do this with me, in whatever capacity, but I know how hard pregnancy gets-" she stopped midsentence, her brain processing half a second too late the information she was giving Arizona. She let out a long relaxing breath and, making a point not to look at her, she went on. "I need him to be here and after what DC did to Meredith and Derek I was scared. So I made him go."

Arizona didn't certainly miss Amelia's near slip and made a mental note to ask her about it. Not just out of morbid curiosity, but because patient history was important and, while they were not exactly following the protocol, it was of incredible value, especially so early on. However, she decided she could ask her tomorrow, when she'd find some time to make sure she wouldn't work and maybe get a few more things out of her. "You changed your mind?"

Amelia frowned. "Maybe? Ugh, I don't know. We never talked about us as a couple, it's easy to forget that it all went to hell and give it another shot, but is it really worth it? Right now it feels like taking a huge risk and we can't afford that."

She was right. She was definitely right and there was nothing Arizona could say that would help weigh in on that decision, which was ultimately theirs. While it all made slightly more sense, their approach to what had to have been a very shot, intense relationship was clearly what had got them into their current mess. Couple wise, not the pregnancy. "Do you want him to be here, though? Right now?"

"For this?" she pointed at her stomach. "Absolutely. For me? I don't know." When Arizona tilted her head, clearly saying that they both knew she did in fact know, Amelia looked down. "Look, I… if it was just me, sure, why not. But it's not just me and more importantly, I can't think about me first. This is a second chance at everything and I have to try my hardest not to ruin it, so if that means me and Owen will co-parent happily, instead of being in a relationship that will lead to a messy separation, it's a no brainer."

Arizona smiled. She was slowly catching Amelia's drift. The non linearity of their way of thinking and acting was definitely confusing, but consistent. Amelia ran when she was scared, just like Owen and half of the rest of the world. Just like her. She ran. It was Sofia that taught her to stick around – well, back then it wasn't Sofia yet, just an ensemble of cells, not much unlike Amelia's baby right now. "You're scared."

"Petrified." Amelia admitted, looking up, finding overly understanding eyes. "It's… everything is happening all at once, I can't turn one way or another without having to calculate my steps down to the millimetre and it's so freaking hard. I wish one thing would work. Just one."

Before she could think it through Arizona's mouth opened. "Your baby is fine, healthy. I'd say that's working."

She shook her head. She wasn't about to talk about that now, she was nowhere near ready and she owed it to Owen to get that entire story now that she needed all of his support. In an effort to be more open and collaborative she'd decided last night he should know it all. But Arizona couldn't, not now, not yet. Amelia knew she was smart enough to have caught what she'd half said before. "Yeah, it's just that I have a knack for getting pregnant at the least opportune times. It's almost as if I do it on purpose."

"I'm going to say something and you're going to listen." Amelia nodded, a bit taken aback at the sudden seriousness in the blonde's tone. "I have been where you are right now, not exactly, but it was as close as I'll ever get. I almost ran. I almost lost my daughter and Callie. Despite how it all turned out, I'm infinitely glad I didn't. Believe me, I was terrified and not for one second I stopped thinking it was not going to work out. Then it did and all those fears and worries I had were still there, but I was deliriously happy." Arizona patted her legs, standing up, pushing the machine away. "For what it's worth I think the best you can do now, for your baby, is to make sure you're happy and you have what you want. Be happy Amelia. Don't run, nothing good ever comes from running."

Amelia's eyes teared up. She was annoyingly wise. She knew a little bit about what happened, mainly because Mark was involved and Callie was Addie's friend, so she got bits of the story. Her and Owen were a bit different, had different issues and different expectations, but the message came loud and clear all the same. She'd spent her life running. Drugs had become her own drastic way of running. Maybe Derek had figured it out, maybe running away only made things worse, maybe we should just enjoy what we have and never try for more, not if it means risking who you love and what you love. Maybe he'd even been right about love – jury was still out on that one. As far as her life experience had taught her he was more than right. Loving Ryan had destroyed her, broken her down into a billion little pieces. She must have never really loved James, because she'd never felt like that. Not like when she'd seen how strong her feelings for Owen were and just how easily they could dismantle all those little pieces she'd managed to put back together. "You are kind of an awesome friend."

"I know, right?" Arizona grinned at her, walking to the door. "Lunch tomorrow. And I don't want to see you working."

Amelia gave a mock salute and Arizona left the room. Looking at the picture Arizona had left beside her, she picked it up, staring at it. She was having a hard time believing she was pregnant. Again. It had been such a painful experience she wasn't allowing herself to truly be happy and excited about this one, it didn't feel fair. It wasn't fair when she'd had a baby already and he died, she had failed him in the worst way possible. Ever since she had entertained the idea of having kids, but actually being pregnant had been a line of thinking she'd steered clear of. While lost in her thoughts a yawn made its way on her face. She was exhausted from doing… nothing. Still, she realised she'd better find her way to an on call room, or at least the attendings' lounge couch and have a little cat nap. Before, though, she sent Owen a text, reassuring him that everything was fine, that he shouldn't worry. It felt strange writing him. For the first time since she'd met him she calculated and weight carefully every single word she typed. Amelia decided to take it – as her recovery had drilled into her head – one day at the time, today she made sure everything was fine and tomorrow she'd have lunch with Arizona and the day after that, if everything kept running smoothly, she'd be back in the OR. There was a little voice in the back of her mind that just wouldn't quit reminding her of how she'd already screwed this up, before it even began. How she'd managed to lose a baby before she even knew she was pregnant. Arizona and then Owen had told her and reassured her profusely that it wasn't anything she'd done, just like she hadn't given her son anencephaly. It didn't make her feel any better. She was confused and, while she was glad for Arizona's support, it wasn't her support she wanted. This whole thing was making her miss her brother so much it hurt her, in her chest, as if somebody was reaching up and squeezing her heart, hard. It was easy to pretend he was just back in DC, it was easy to pretend he wasn't here because he was somewhere else. Now with Meredith and the kids gone and her suffocating need to hear his voice at a time like this, she couldn't pretend anymore.

Just then her phone rang. Her heart beating wildly as she saw it was Owen calling her. her thumb, hovering over the green circle ready to automatically answer the call, was shaking. Her whole hand was shaking and her breathing was faster and faster, just like her pulse. A part of her was seriously considering ignoring the call, letting it end, making Owen believe she was busy or even asleep. Amelia felt her eyes well up when she hesitated, she couldn't talk to him now. Last night he'd tucked her in, made sure she had water on her bedside table and made her breakfast and put it in the fridge and then, before going back to the trailer, he'd kissed her forehead, rubbing her cheek. She'd closed her eyes with that image and that feeling and now that he was gone she had been questioning where they were standing non stop. It wasn't true that she didn't care if they ended up being friends and parenting happily, but it was also true that the pregnancy – despite her still mixed feelings – was feeling like a chance to turn her life around and there was no way she was messing with that. When the rest of her caught up and realised she'd been waiting too long, her finger pressed the little green button instantly.

"Hey." Hearing his voice was suddenly making all those doubts and worries so little, insignificantly little even.

Amelia cleared her throat just to make sure her voice didn't sound like the thoughts going through her head. "Hi. Where are you?"

She heard him sigh tiredly. "London. It's awful here, there is a thunderstorm and they're not sure the plane can safely take off, so we're waiting. We were about to go get dinner."

"We?" She'd never thought it possible, especially after the last half hour spent pouring her heart out, going over all the reason she'd sent him away. Yet, the green eyed monster was pushing its way in, shoving all the other monsters aside, ready to take a front row seat to the rest of their conversation and, with her luck, the rest of her day and night.

There was a pause, one that didn't settle her insecurity, rather increased it tenfold. While Amelia was feeling the tears in her eyes and a tingling in her nose and cheeks, Owen was dumfounded. "Yeah. I'm here with April-"

"Kepner?"

He let out a breath, he caught something in her tone that sounded eerily familiar. She was jealous. Amelia Shepherd was jealous of him. She was the mother of his child and she was jealous of whomever she thought he was with. He shook his head, he wished he could tell her she had nothing to worry about, he could run into Angelina Jolie and he wouldn't spare her a second glace, not when she was back home waiting for him. "Yes, she came along. She went to see what's happening with the flight."

Amelia nodded. Get a grip, will you? Feeling her heartbeat slow for the first time since her phone rang she relaxed. "Oh. I would have never thought she'd…"

Owen shrugged. "She needed this."

She found herself muttering something, she really couldn't think about April Kepner right now. For one, though, she felt relieved, knowing that if something were to happen she'd be there wit Owen. It was comforting, somewhat. Amelia could definitely sympathise with her, she understood her need to leave fully, it was just ironic considering the latest turn in her and Owen's life. April was there because her baby died and Owen was there because he had to get it out of his system and get back to his baby. She swallowed a lump knowing her baby – this one, even though it wasn't even a baby yet – could still die, just like her other baby and April's baby. "Right. I can send you a picture of the ultrasound if you want."

If those thoughts were going through her head, they were sure going to make it to his soon enough. This morning she'd checked first thing if the tiny bulge was still there, while Owen couldn't do it, looking at it was the next best thing. "I'd like that."

Amelia nodded wordlessly. She forgot for a second he couldn't see her and the conversation had effectively died. She sighed, when he'd told her the they were possibly stuck in London she'd had to forcefully stop herself from telling him to come home, to her. She couldn't do that. He was going and then he was going to come back and be there for her, without having his mind wandering off, thinking how much he'd rather be in the desert. "Alright." Luckily April must have come back, because she heard her voice over the phone and she heard Owen's muffled voice whispering something, before she heard him breathing back into the phone. "Everything okay?"

"Yes." He huffed. "The rain's not letting up and it seems we're not flying out of here today."

"I'm sorry." She mumbled sincerely. It was no fun to be stuck at the airport, not even if it was in London – in Paris maybe. The pull to ask him to call his army buddies and tell them he had to go home to his family was stronger and stronger and she didn't know how long she could stay on the phone with him and let him get on the damn flight to Rome tomorrow. On top of that, courtesy of pregnancy hormones, she was about to cry and she absolutely couldn't do that on the phone, knowing what it would do to him. "Say hi to Kepner and good luck with the weather."

Owen barely had time to say goodbye before she hung up. He pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it shocked. The conversation with Amelia had been short and quite awkward, after all their situation was so undefined and delicate there was no way it could be anything but. He chuckled to himself, he'd felt Amelia get worried and defensive the second she suspected he was with someone. It was nice to have someone feel like that about him again. It was amazing. When his phone dinged and he saw the picture his heart swelled up. It wasn't just Amelia waiting for him back at home. Owen was so happy he felt as if he could make the rain stop right now, get on a plane back to Seattle and he'd be in time to tuck her in tonight too. When April noticed the never ending smile on his face she asked if everything was fine and Owen realised it was. It was fine, more than fine. This made up for all the bad things in the past year. It was that and more and – and he couldn't tell April about it. He couldn't, he clutched the phone with the photo in his hand, hanging on it like a lifeline. Owen couldn't tell April about how happy he was because it was all the reasons she wasn't and he knew first hand how that felt. Like a stab to the heart.

April frowned. "Did something happen?"

Owen looked at her, eyes wide and eyebrows raised, pausing for a moment. "Oh, no, no. It was Am-Shepherd. Just checking in."

April narrowed her eyes, but said nothing. She observed Owen carefully. "About a patient?"

Owen nodded, the next few weeks were going to be hard if he was going not to tell her. He knew she'd get mad at first when she'd know, but it was for the best. "Yeah. Something like that." He stood then, mainly to have a chance to look back at the grainy back and white picture on his phone, without her seeing it. "Let's go get dinner."


	4. Chapter 4

_There are no excuses fro how long it's taken me to update. I'm going to explain what happened, though. I had this thing mostly planned out, like my other multi chap and then out of nowhere I had his awesome idea and my plans changed. This one is half of the last chapter (it's actually a third, but when a third turns out to be almost 5k words, it becomes its own chapter). After that there'll probably be an epilogue and then Vanished will be officially over._

 _However. If you liked this story you should really check out Life Will Out (not because my updates are any faster, there). It's, let's say, evolving._

* * *

The blaring sound of the alarm woke Owen the next morning. He and April had been shipped off to one of those hotels near the airport, booked on a flight that left way too early this morning. The flight yesterday had been awfully early too and he generally had no problem with early, only his day had lasted twenty-six hours. Reaching for his phone, though, blinking sleep from his eyes he looked at the time. Unlocking the phone, to check for missed calls and messages, he saw the last thing he'd been looking at last night. The ultrasound picture. The blurry, grainy first photo of his child, not really the first, but he hadn't been able to spot any differences from the one he'd assisted. Making a brief calculation he realised he had enough time to stare at it for a little longer. His eyes travelled along the outline, trying to remember all the things Arizona had said, trying to forget about the black shadow still in the back of the picture. It was bitter and he'd afterwards found himself imagining what it would have been like to buy everything double, to be constantly sleep deprived, to have to carry around two car seats and have double the work. Owen knew right that second he would have taken time off to be there with Amelia, maybe he'd do it anyway. Right, Amelia. Last night's conversation over the phone, the brief and awkward and pause filled conversation had been sort of a wake up call, one she'd probably had that morning, judging from her voice. He and Amelia were not married, they weren't even together. There was a part of him that hoped having a baby together would be incentive enough to give it a try, obviously circumstances changed from the time he'd referred to them as a plane crash and he had a better understanding of what she'd meant when she'd claimed she didn't have anymore to give. She didn't want a no string attached roll in the hay, she just couldn't open herself up to the vulnerability that came with a relationship. Now, a couple months later her brother was dead and she was pregnant. And alone.

He'd left her alone. Granted she'd pushed him away and insisted it was better, that if he'd stayed they would have ended up resenting each other, but he'd still left. Owen sighed, he was finally getting what he'd wanted for years and he was screwing it up. If his mother got word about this, he'd never hear the end of it. Looking back at the picture of what looked like a negative bean or peanut or some sort of pond creature, he felt dread rise as his mind reminded him his mother wasn't the only mother they'd have to talk to. Sure he'd met Carolyn Shepherd before and she'd liked him, he wasn't sure she'd like him still after he left her daughter, pregnant, to go for another tour in Iraq. It was honourable and she'd been a navy nurse, he remembered that, so she might understand his reasons for making that choice, but he probably should have been there when this picture had been taken. So he texted her. Amelia. Just to say good night, it was very, very late in Seattle and he knew she would see it in the morning. Maybe it was better like that, it was better that they kept missing each other, the other day they had been happy and excited and the rush of adrenaline had effectively shut off part of his brain, the same part that had kicked him in the shins yesterday when he heard her voice over the phone when he was so far away there was a nine hour difference between them. She needed space and Owen was well aware, despite being in a better place in his life than her, he realised he needed to let the news sink in as well. Until, of course, his phone rang.

"Hey, what are you still doing up?" But he got no answer. He could hear her breathing on the other side, but she didn't speak. For a while, for so long that it stirred up something deep in his gut. Owen pulled the phone away from his ear to check if the call was still on or if he was imagining things and, apparently, he was still connected with a country an ocean away from where he was. Only Amelia didn't seem to be on the other end. She was, of course she was, her phone hadn't just called him out of its own free will, but while she might be physically right there, he had the suspicion that she really wasn't. "Amelia?"

Nothing. Not a word, heavy breathing – heavy enough to be heard over the phone – but no sign that she was even awake. Frowning he exhaled, slowly and loudly. Yesterday he'd called to hear her voice. Just to hear her voice, he'd been more than sure his baby was okay and that she would take good care of it, but he'd needed to hear her voice. That call yesterday had the main purpose of reassuring him that he was doing the right thing for him, her and the baby. Despite how unconvincing that had been, he'd felt better, so maybe – just maybe – she was calling him now to hear his voice. He hoped. Either that or she'd butt dialled in the car. Trying to go with the silver lining he sighed, smiling at the white itchy sheets around him. "The weather is a little better today, we are booked on a flight in a few hours if it holds. It rained so much here it felt like being back home, I had no idea there was somewhere it rained as much as in Seattle."

He heard her smile over the phone. Ridiculous, yes, but he could bet everything he had – not much at that – that she smiled. Thinking it was helping he kept talking, hoping eventually he'd get her to open up as well. "Then again I heard it's so hot in Rome we're going to melt, so I don't really know which is better." he chuckled. He'd never really been to Rome. He'd been in London numerous times, it was one of the typical layovers, either London or Frankfurt. Yet, he'd never visited either, not really. Still, it sounded like a city worth seeing. Maybe he could go there someday, maybe they both could. "Then again I'm moving further south in the desert so I can't really complain about the heat now." He wasn't prepared for that, not mentally nor physically. This wouldn't be the first time he'd get to experience the desert in the summer, but it had been years since he had and he'd lived up in Seattle the whole time. Randomly, out of feeling more and more awkward with this one sided conversation he checked the time again, mostly to make sure he had enough time to talk on the phone and shower and get ready to head back to the airport. He had plenty, which – he realised maybe a second too late – meant it was already morning in Seattle, or, well, way past midnight. Robbins had mentioned taking it easy and being up so late certainly didn't qualify. "Amelia it's really late, is something wrong?"

"No." she croaked.

He found himself smiling for no reason. Actually, for so many reasons he didn't know which one to pick. "You should be sleeping, Arizona said to rest." He tried not to sound patronising or like her father, yet he didn't know if he'd succeeded in that. "Are you sure everything's okay?"

She sighed, smiling. "Yeah, I'm just not feeling too well."

Without warning Owen's heart started beating faster and he wished he hadn't given into her insistence and gone. He wanted to reach through the phone, get her to talk to him, see her with his own eyes. This was hell. Suddenly he was agitated and nervous and all the while trying to keep his temper in check. "Oh… so, something is wrong?"

"No, I'm just sick… not, uh, too much, just enough not to let me sleep." She was home, Derek's home, sitting on her bed. Alone. She'd been staring at the wind blowing through the tree leaves outside for at least two hours. The worst thing was, she couldn't get out of her room. Ever. The twenty feet from the door to her room were just about how much she could manage before she felt herself going crazy. Amelia would sometimes hear voices, not in the crazy, psych ward sense, in the sense that her neurosurgeon training explained as totally normal. White noise, kids screaming and Meredith or Derek calling her name. She would see ghosts, shadows that looked like Zola's pigtails or Bailey's crawling shape. She'd see Meredith walking around corners and she'd hear her brother's voice. Her room was a safe heaven, but tonight it felt like even more of a nightmare than usual. Older ghosts were coming out to play and the picture laying on her bedside table was a vivid reminder of a similar one she'd almost framed a few years ago. "It's stupid, really. I was fine yesterday and now that I know… it's probably just psychosomatic. Or nerves."

This was new. Not the sickness, the almost completely direct way she'd just talked to him. Maybe she was too tired to realise what she was even saying and Owen knew not to get his hopes up too much. He'd never fault her for how private she was, how she tried to protect herself with everything she had. A few months ago he'd accused her of using it as a shield, as an excuse and regardless, right now she had all the rights to keep those tall and thick barriers between herself and the rest of the world. Part of him was just glad she was letting him in, even a little bit. "Morning sickness?"

"Except it's not morning?" she retorted light heartedly. She chuckled. Last time she'd never gone through this phase so it was all new to her, all-day sickness included. Today at lunch Arizona had pushed a little bit more on the Owen situation, insisting she was being a coward to just give up and claiming it was for the baby's sake. She pushed hard enough that once she walked into the house and into her room, she'd felt so alone. Amelia had thought about calling Owen or texting him or just know that he was there, even if he really wasn't. Unfortunately, the second she'd picked up the phone she'd felt tears well up in her eyes. She couldn't do that to him, she had half an idea how he would feel and she just couldn't. So she was pushing it all down. "Yeah. It's not that bad, just… annoying."

"I'm sorry." He could comfort her, he wanted to, but honestly he wasn't sure how. Or really, he wasn't sure it would be comforting to her, if anything he was half the reason she was feeling sick right now – not much he could do about that. "It should stop in about a month, though, if that makes it any better."

Amelia shrugged, she was a doctor and she had an idea what pregnancy entailed this early, but something she'd learned since her last pregnancy – since she got her medical degree, really – was that medical training and science notions only went so far. A big part of her was hoping it was just nerves and it would be over tomorrow and she'd get to skip the whole disgusting barfing phase of the miracle of life, the doctor part simply told her it was wishful thinking. The embryo inside her uterus was probably going to punish her for sending its father across the world to work in the warzone, so there was no way she'd get to pass on that. Her whole demeanour changed, her body changed when she realised how long it would be until Owen would actually be back – if he did come back, that is. Without any sort of permission from her and an encouraging pat on the back from her hormones, her eyes teared up and when she opened her mouth to speak, she found there was a lump in her throat. A lump made of all the feelings that welled up at the mere thought of what her life was going to be like in the next few weeks. Excitement, regret, fear, anxiety, sadness and so many others in an unusual mix. "It – uh, it doesn't. Thanks for trying, though."

He didn't at first, but when he replayed what she'd said in his head he noticed. Her voice sounded broken and watery and he was confused. Owen had zero experience with pregnant women, but this didn't sound like pointless, hormone induced tears. It sounded like something that made him want to bang his head against the wall for leaving in the first place. He'd left Amelia, whose brother had recently died and whose sister-in-law and niece and nephew had disappeared, pregnant and alone. He felt so idiotically stupid it was hilarious. "Amelia?"

"I'm here." She sniffled. Her tears were flowing freely, an advantage of phone calls were that he couldn't actually see her, she was smart enough, though, to know from Owen's worried and thick voice that he'd already picked up on it.

Owen's heart sank down in his chest. "Hey, what's going on?" he heard her breath through the phone, breaths irregular and laboured and he knew she was trying not to cry. He wanted to tell her it was okay, but really it wasn't. "Amelia. Please talk to me."

So she sobbed. It was either that or she'd hang up on him like earlier today. Or yesterday, or whatever day it was. Amelia was mad and frustrated and disappointed in herself. The hormones were taking over her and she was slowly, but surely losing control of her tear ducts and it bothered her so much she just ended up crying harder. Sadly, this had been an issue last time as well. Granted the circumstances were different, but she'd still spent half her time crying. Ryan had died and her baby was going to die. Now Derek was dead. Her world had stopped making sense for a moment there. Then all of a sudden it looked like her world might make a lot more sense in a few months and she was holding onto that thought like a life line. Quite literally. If something, anything, were to go wrong with this baby – turning a blind eye to the fact that she'd just lost one of the two she was carrying – or with Owen, she was going to give living here a serious consideration. The comfort of drugs and alcohol only did so much, it seemed like her life was constantly giving her reasons to give in and let go. She'd never thought of it, but being pregnant meant she'd have to stay clean and Derek's sudden death had made it really hard for her to resolve to do so just out of her willpower. "I can't." Amelia took a deep breath, hoping to calm herself a little. Failing miserably. "I promised myself I wouldn't do this."

Owen frowned. He was sure he would barely know what to do if he was talking to her face to face, let alone over the phone, without the chance of getting to her in a reasonable time. She'd been crying after the ultrasound too and he knew she had more than enough reasons to spend the next few months crying, but he still felt helpless and useless and he hated that. "What?"

"Crying." She chuckled through the tears. When her abs contracted, from her position lying on the bed, she distinctly saw a little curve and her eyes watered all over again. Her hand, the one not holding the phone, ventured towards it. She touched it delicately, almost as if she was afraid she could somehow hurt it if she pressed too hard. Arizona had calmed her fears reassuring her that her body was built for this and babies – even when they were so small they weren't even a baby yet – were strong and resilient and could survive nearly everything. Her mild carelessness during her previous pregnancy did, in fact, support that, but it still looked so small and fragile Amelia didn't fully believe it.

"It's okay to cry. I do it sometimes too."

With that she just felt her body fill with all kinds of warm, fuzzy feelings and she was pretty sure the flutters in her stomach had nothing to do with her pregnancy. He made it so easy to be herself. To be that person she dutifully and carefully covered up every day to make sure other people wouldn't see all the dark and sad she was barring inside. She was Amelia the daughter and Amelia the friend and Amelia the surgeon. She got to be _just_ Amelia only when she was alone. Then Owen came along and he made it okay to be just Amelia when he was there too. in a way she realised they allowed each other some place where they could strip down of all that armour and let the scars and the broken show unashamed. With no judging, no expectations, nothing at all. That was, she realised the reason they had gone all wrong. She'd stopped being just Amelia and she'd covered up, she'd compartmentalised and she'd run, scared and retreated inside her armour like a turtle. At first he'd tried to coax her out, sweetly and gently and she'd almost made it when, a couple seconds earlier, he'd gone back inside his. Her armour now was getting a little crowded and she had to let him in as well. She _wanted_ to. "We're having a baby, Owen. For real. A human being."

Owen sighed in relief. Her words sounded like a lie. Only he knew she was telling the truth. It was something he'd been repeating inside his head for the last day or so and just like everything, if you repeat it for so many times, it stops making sense. Hearing it was like a reminder of how this was really, actually his life. He was going to have a baby. Finally. The smile on his face probably made him look like Kermit the frog, but he didn't care. "We are, 'Melia."

Amelia took a deep breath, laying her hand flat, feeling the bulge poke against her hand. She had so many feelings and wanted none. Her nausea in a surprising turn of events was getting better, effectively turning out to be just anxiety – or so she hoped. She closed her eyes. Somehow it felt like things were easier with her eyes shut, if everything she could see was black. It made no sense rationally speaking, but as long as it had a positive effect on her she was all for it. On the other hand, every time she looked down to where her hand was resting she felt her stomach tighten and she couldn't quite figure out why. Maybe it was because in less than a year she'd have a newborn to care for, a teeny tiny person that depended entirely on her – and Owen – and she didn't feel one bit ready for that. Also there was how she'd gone through this already and came out of it empty handed and she knew better than anyone, that the way she'd shut off during that time had left only primitive memories of it. Whenever she touched her no existent belly now, she couldn't help but think of her son kicking and moving and poking her ribs with a stray elbow or knee and the bittersweet feeling that accompanied that was spreading into this very moment as well. "I'm scared." She let out, half sob, half words literally falling from her lips, barely coherent enough to be understood. Amelia was glad Owen couldn't see her right now. She was glad she couldn't see herself. The tears were starting to fall down her neck, some stopping in the hollow of her collarbone. "I'm terrified."

A stray tear escaped Owen's eye. He was too unfocused to noticed and it made it down to the side of his mouth when he finally, hastily wiped it away. A felt a feeling he had not felt in so long. And it hurt – it hurt so bad he never wanted not to feel it ever again. For the first time in years he felt like crying. Felt like letting his emotions take over and letting the army steel emotionless front slip away. He took a couple deep breaths to regulate his breathing, the last thing Amelia needed was to hear him break down like this. There was no way he could hold it together for weeks. Months, even. Suddenly he realised there was no way he'd make it ten minutes into the desert, into the destruction that was war, men dying, bombs dropping and all the while feeling guilty because he wasn't in Seattle with her and feeling guilty because he wasn't there either, not really, especially not like he should. His world stopped spinning for a split second. Owen had the urge to find the first flight back home. A strong urge, an urge that was kicking Major Hunt in the balls. The only person qualified to tell him if he was being a moron was Amelia and he couldn't talk to her about this. Because she needed him to be strong and clear minded right now, she needed him. He found he liked to be needed. That was why he was travelling all the way to Iraq. That was why April was travelling with him. April had lost her child and she needed to feel like she was doing some good. He was losing his child by going to do something he would regret. Not losing in the same way, but all those apparently useless ultrasounds and kicking and cravings and morning sickness were not anything he wanted to miss out on.

"Me too." He took his phone away from his ear, putting Amelia on speakerphone and checking flights at the same time. There was no way he'd mess up another relationship. No way. Not this one too. "I'm so scared."

Amelia chuckled. "We're screwed, then?"

Owen smiled. That pretty much summed up things very accurately. The more he thought about it, the more he realised there probably wasn't a better word to describe it. "Yeah, I think we are."

"That's… comforting."

"Feeling better?" he heard her mutter something through the phone. He was almost completely positive she'd nodded and then remembered he couldn't see her through the phone. His fingers were twitching while he tried to find a flight on his phone. He'd never done it, never thought he'd have to, to be honest he wasn't even sure his phone could do it, but such trivial doubts weren't really stopping him. Worst case he'd get to the airport and wait for the next available flight to the US, getting to Seattle from there would be a lot easier. He was going back. He was _definitely_ going back. He'd talk to April, maybe he'd tell her the truth – sure she'd hate him at first, but she'd understand better why he was bailing on her after he'd convinced her to come. Soldiers were away from their families all the time, Owen remembered clearly all those times some got a call from their wife saying that their child was born. Truthfully, he'd never really got how you could miss something like that and in the last few years nothing had seemed more important than that. He'd hung his uniform in the closet before – for good, he'd thought – now he could put it in storage, or really in his old room at his mother's house, where he kept everything he couldn't carry with him, but couldn't throw away.

Amelia let out a breath. She couldn't go on for three more months of this, at least, crying herself to sleep every night. Last night had been great. Owen had tucked her in and she'd fallen asleep exhausted from the day. Today reality had sunk in a little bit more. So she couldn't sleep. It was hard to think of what tomorrow would be like, after all, Owen wouldn't be so readily available every single day or every single time she needed to talk to him. They were probably going to be missing each other's call and would eventually resort to texting all the time and maybe then stop at all and he wouldn't come back and she'd be here in Seattle with a baby. "Owen, I…"

He waited. His search for a way home halting momentarily. Yet again, though, she wasn't just pausing, but stopping mid-sentence entirely-

"Forget it. It's stupid." She said, fast, like ripping a band aid. It was not like her and there was no way she'd let these freaking hormones get in the way of that too. Not this early on. It was incredibly cheesy and corny and it made her feel like a teenager. A pregnant one. Not the best feeling, really.

Owen knew what that meant. She wanted to say it and at the same time she didn't. Some times he found himself thinking if dating men would be any easier. Not that he'd actually be able to do that, he was straight as an arrow, but understanding women was a full time job and trying to get the inner machinations of a woman like Amelia, a frighteningly smart, complex woman riddled with pregnancy hormones was more than he could handle this early in the morning. "Will you tell me anyway?"

Amelia wrinkled her nose, stifling a yawn. She was so infinitely glad Arizona had made her switch her shift so that she'd have to go in after lunch because it was way too late now. She'd lost a surgery in this swap, an aneurysm clip, but right this moment it could have been the rarest, biggest tumour and she have gladly handed it over. "I miss you." She held her breath for a second, anticipating his reaction. Her eyes were squeezed shut as she expected him to burst out laughing at how ridiculous that sounded. They had seen each other a little over twenty-four hours ago. She couldn't even begin to imagine what she was going to say in a week or in a month.

Owen was about to answer, his surprise at her statement had slowed his brain considerably and it took a little time to shift it back into gear. Before he could even open his mouth, though, she was already rambling. "There, I said it. I know it's… ugh, I told you it was stupid and you made me say it and now I feel like an idiot and it's all your fault and these hormones-"

"Amelia. It's not stupid at all." He interrupted her. He needed to be at the airport fast, faster than fast and he couldn't have her rambling, not right now when he needed to hurry and he had so many people to call and excuses to make. "I miss you too. I'm going to be home before you know it, okay?"

She nodded sadly. Three months were nothing, not compared to a lot of things. Three months were a third of her pregnancy. Seasons lasted three months. Three months was a quarter of a year. When put like that, it didn't seem so long at all. To her, right now, it felt like time was purposefully slowing down. Every second of every minute lasted a little bit longer and that made three months unbearably long. "Right." She tried to sound convincing. "Have a safe flight and text me when you land?"

"Only if you promise to get some sleep as soon as I hung up." She nodded once again and mumbled something about not hovering, that he'd have plenty of time for that when there was a child to look after. He knew she loved it when he did, hover. Amelia was feeling so alone right now, having someone pushing her a little like that had to make her feel better. He liked to think it did. Mostly, Owen hoped while scrambling to get dressed, he liked to think he was making the right choice now and not an epic mistake.

* * *

 _Thanks to everybody that keeps harassing me about updating, it's greatly appreciated. Seriously. If it hadn't been for all those sweet, sweet messages I keep getting on tumblr, this might have sat in the doc manager for forever._


	5. Chapter 5

_Better late than never, uh?_

* * *

Amelia woke up after what felt an eternity. The disorientation that fogged her brain for a few seconds upon waking was proof enough that she was tired, completely worn out. Rubbing sleep from her eyes she sat up, wincing as her back screamed after laying for who knows how long on the bed in the on call room. The mattresses were all used and abused and there was a hollow in the middle dug by the hundreds of people that had slept there before. Fishing her phone out of her pocket she realised it was way later than she'd expected, she'd decided to rest her eyes for what couldn't be more than a handful of minutes, but apparently she'd slept for over two hours. Silently cursing Arizona, she shook sleep from her body. Her shift had ended hours and hours ago and she'd planned to head home, put on comfy clothes and wallow in self-pity in her room until her nausea would eventually give up and let her fall asleep. That was the plan, however, literally minutes before she crossed the hospital doors, Arizona had found her and asked her to wait a few minutes because she had something to tell her and, as if on cue, she was paged for an emergency and Amelia had reluctantly agreed to wait for her. She was tired, so tired, she didn't remember ever being this tired when she'd been pregnant before, growing Owen's baby was a full time job all on its own. Arizona had said it was momentary, her body was growing a baby, but also the placenta and it would soon be done with that and she'd feel a lot better then. She paged Arizona, but she was in surgery, which meant she was going home right this minute, it was late and it would be a while before she'd actually be home so whatever it was she was going to tell her could wait until tomorrow.

Collecting herself, she stood. The mere action sent the room spinning and Amelia closed her eyes, squeezed them shut waiting for the world around her to slow down a little bit. The air coming through her nose, slowly and rhythmically seemed to quiet down her vertigo and the hint of nausea that she knew would come soon enough. Even more reason to head straight home right now. She smoothed her hair down, not really caring how that would turn out, and she fixed her clothes a little, sleeping in her jeans had been strangely uncomfortable – they felt way too tight. Amelia left the on call room and made a beeline for the door ignoring how every single person seemed to be staring at her. It's just paranoia, she'd told herself, they're not actually staring, and after all most of the men stared all the time anyways. She could see the door when she got Arizona's page. _Your office in five minutes._ Groaning she waited a while before answering, trying to decide whether to tell her she was going home and they could talk tomorrow or walking all the way back to the other side of the hospital. Amelia glanced at the clock and tried to work some fast math to figure out what time it was for Owen. As far as he'd told her he should have just arrived in Iraq, which meant he was several hours ahead, which meant he would call her as soon as he got a chance, probably first thing in the morning – his morning.

 _"Have a safe flight and text me when you land, okay?"_

 _"Only if you promise to get some sleep as soon as I hung up."_

An uneasy feeling settled into her stomach when, after obsessively checking all text and messages and emails and missed calls, she realised he never even tried to contact her after last night. If her calculations weren't wrong – and she was positive they weren't – he should have landed in Baghdad at least four hours ago. Four. As her brain started processing all the possible scenarios that could in some way explain that, from a dead phone to a plane crash, her eyes watered and she felt betrayed by her own body. She shouldn't worry, stress, it wasn't good for the baby. Subconsciously the hand that wasn't holding the phone flew up to the little curve below her belly button. She was an idiot. She'd basically made him go when he wanted to stay. When a sob died in her throat she looked at Arizona's text again and realised that it had been almost five minutes and, without a second thought, she made her way to her office. The rational part of her, the doctor and the relentless force of nature that kept her going was reassuring her, it was fine, maybe he just forgot. Owen had been travelling for days, he was probably beyond exhausted and figured it would be okay if he just called in the morning. All the hormones in her body, though, were slowly convincing her something terrible had happened, which – the last of her sanity concluded – called for an outside opinion and since Arizona was her only friend here she might as well hear what she had to tell her.

Keeping her emotions in check she made her way to the elevator and focused on her breathing. She could cry. She could have a meltdown over what could be nothing, as much as it could be just another name on the list of people in her life that just seemed to drop like leaves on trees. Amelia was smart enough not to deny herself the possibility to freak out over nothing. This was the least nothing of all the nothings in her life she was freaking out about. Still, she wouldn't cry in front of the whole hospital. Adept at bottling up her emotions and hiding behind a mask she managed to get behind the closed door of what was a glorified lab and sat on her sofa, before letting out a shaky breath, feeling everything sinking in. Arizona barged into the room just a couple of minutes later, with an excited smile that just unnerved Amelia beyond what she could handle so late at night.

"Hey, what's with the long face?" she asked chirpily, walking until she was standing right in front of her.

Amelia looked up at her, a little at loss of what to say. She had yet to decide whether her concern was valid or just the result of the overdose of hormones she was experiencing, coupled with stress and exhaustion, which weren't certainly helping her focus. "Owen didn't text me. Or call me. He, uh," she cleared her throat feeling a little silly hearing her own words. "He promised he'd let me known when he landed, but I never heard from him. Should I," she looked up, noticing the change in Arizona's expression, but not wasting a single moment to analyse it enough to know what it meant. "Should I be worried?"

Arizona's weight shifted on her feet and Amelia knew right away something wasn't right. She knew people here were very sensitive to plane crashes, Arizona and Owen in particular, but it didn't look like that. The way she shifted, almost unnoticeable, with her arms crossed over her chest was telling a whole different story. Her eyebrows were higher and her mouth opened and closed a few times, without emitting a sound, as if silently rehearsing. What worried Amelia was that she appeared completely unaffected by what she'd just said. Not even a smidge of sympathetic worry or even a failed attempt to placate her hormone induced paranoia.

"Arizona?"

 _"Robbins." As Owen heard her voice through the phone he froze. His brain shut down all functions above tracking the rain drops falling along uneven trails on the outside of the giant glass windows outside. It was a sucky day to be in sunny Philadelphia. "Hello? Hunt?"_

 _Owen took his phone away from his ear startled. He'd effectively zoned out. "Oh, hi." There was a pause. He could hear voices in the background and tools clinking together and he could hear Karev saying something he couldn't make out clearly. The chicken in him was trying to convince him to make some half assed apology and end the call, assuring her it was nothing – must have butt dialled. "Is this a bad time?"_

 _"No. I'm done here. What's up? Everything okay?"_

 _She spoke so fast his head was spinning. Although, maybe, it was his head that was too slow at processing and not the other way around. "Fine. I actually need to talk to you for a second. Or I could call back if you're busy now, it's no problem."_

 _Chicken. Owen head slapped himself – mentally, he was still sitting in an airport waiting lounge surrounded by hundreds of people. He was running, his primal instinct was to run and he was fighting it, barely, but it was enough for now. Somehow, he was convinced he wouldn't need to fight anything the second he was back in Seattle, so, really, he just had to make it there._

 _"Oh no. Absolutely not. Reception in the desert must be bad enough. Shoot."_

 _Sure reception is bad in the desert, when you manage to find a spot where there is any at all, but it works just fine at the airport in Philly, there's even free wifi. "That's kind of the point. I'm not in the desert. I'm on my way back to Seattle."_

 _There was another pause, one where he thought he could hear Arizona frowning. Ridiculous, right? Right. Yet, Owen could picture what was happening on the other end of the phone with almost complete certainty. He'd heard her stepping away from the ER, he'd heard a door closing behind her and he was pretty sure she was now either in an empty on call room or the attending's lounge or somewhere she was alone._

 _"What do you mean you're coming back? As in you're not going to Iraq? Has something happened? What about April? Does Amelia know-"_

 _"Arizona." He cut her off. "April's fine, but I couldn't go." He sighed. Owen knew he shouldd have never left in the first place, no matter how much Amelia insisted. He was a freaking grown up, more than able to make his own decisions and stick to them. This, though, was the ultimate proof that he really couldn't. This woman had a power on him not even Cristina ever had. She could make him do things. Things he didn't want to do. Act against his will. Deep down he knew he was still not over the high of finding out he was finally going to be a father and that had abundantly clouded his judgement, but it wasn't all that. "I'm not going. It just felt wrong."_

 _"Oh." Never had he been the fidgety kind, but he could not make out what was behind that sound and it was driving him crazy. It was driving him even crazier realising she knew something he didn't, because that 'oh' meant something specific and he couldn't figure out what. "Okay. Wait, why?"_

 _That was exactly the reason why he'd called her, so that he wouldn't have to explain why. Earlier that morning, which was in fact more than ten hours before, Owen had poured his heart out to April and he was still paying the consequences. It was still plaguing him, the guilt, Owen was well aware there was no way he should be feeling guilty, yet logic wasn't doing much for him today. "Well, because Amelia is pregnant with my baby and I should be with her and not some thousands miles away. I should have never left."_

 _Owen had his eyes closed, squeezed tightly, anticipating any kind of reaction, but he only heard breathing on the other side. "Arizona, you still there?"_

 _"Does she know?"_

 _"Err, no. That's kind of why I'm calling." He sat back, leaning against the uncomfortable seat. His back was starting to ache a little and a walk might be good for that before he was trapped on another plane for hours. While it sounded nice, his legs couldn't move. "I don't want her to know. Not until I'm there."_

 _"So what am I supposed to do?"_

 _Owen grimaced. "I hadn't got that far when I called. It was kind of a heat in the moment sort of decision."_

 _"And a good one at that."_

 _His train of thoughts derailed momentarily. Swayed, more like. This was why he'd called Arizona. His genetic code and his upbringing and his army training implicitly forbid him to ask questions about that. Not when he felt like he was invading Amelia's privacy for even uttering a word about what was supposed to be between the two of them only. "Really? You don't think it's selfish?"_

 _"Well, yeah." Her tone was bright, if a bit condescending. Yet Owen couldn't help but pick up on a slightly off note to what she'd said. She meant what she'd said, but there was a little part of her that was mad at him and he was positive it wasn't for leaving Amelia. "Owen. Five years ago I might have kicked your ass about turning your back on something like that, my brother died down there because there weren't enough doctors. Now? Now I have a daughter. I know what it's like to have my own family and to lose it, and I have become selfish. Sofia comes before anything and anyone in the world. So I think your decision to come back does make you selfish, but it also makes you a parent."_

 _Owen cleared his throat. At some point, while he was listening, he'd felt an hitch in the back of his throat and his eyes had grown swollen and teary. "Here's hoping Amelia sees it like that as well."_

 _"I wouldn't worry about that if I were you."_

 _His eyebrows arched and his heart started beating against his ribcage so hard it almost hurt. Arizona definitely knew something he didn't. She had to because he couldn't follow. "I was sure she'd bite my head off, that's why I'm calling you and not her."_

 _"Oh, yeah. She's gonna be mad." Here goes hoping. Owen was so happy about going back home to Seattle, the idea of having to seat in an enclosed space for a number of hours sounded like torture. Torture that didn't in any way compare to what could be Amelia Shepherd's wrath. "But she's more mad at herself right now, so you're probably in the clear. Don't tell her I told you that."_

 _That was a relief. Sort of. Without wasting anymore time and effort in things that were so completely out of his control right now, Owen moved to his game plan. "I need a favour." Before Arizona had any time to answer, he let his train of thoughts barrel through. "I know Amelia's shift ends at nine. I'm landing at SeaTac half an hour later. If you could keep her in the hospital until I get there it would be great."_

 _"How am I supposed to do that? Owen I can't exactly tie her to a chair. Plus, she needs rest, as her doctor – at least for now – I don't know if this is such a good idea. Besides don't you live, like, two minutes away from her?"_

 _Owen groaned. There had been a moment, about a minute ago, where he'd thought it was all going too well. Now it sounded about fine. Normal. "Please." A sigh escaped his lips as his head fell into his hands. "I… I want to make things right with her, whatever that means. If I meet her at the house she'll feel ambushed and trapped and I don't want her to feel like that, I don't want to scare her. If I meet her at the hospital, she has the house to run to in case she needs to. I can call you as soon as I land and then she gets to sleep as long as she wants, promise. Please."_

 _Pouring his heart out to her didn't feel all that bad after all. To be fair, it felt pretty damn good. The thin layer of cold sweat forming on his brown – from the lack of answer from her – was, though, making it hard to slow down his heart rate, which was so fast he felt woozy. "Arizona?"_

 _"Okay. Okay, but only because that was one of the sweetest, most romantic things I've ever heard."_

Amelia stood and took a step toward her blond friend, who was still looking straight at her, the corners of her lips twitching. While her worry had eased she was now taking a closer look to Arizona, cataloguing her body language. Not only she hadn't batted an eye at the notion that something could have happened to Owen – even though Amelia herself knew it was a worst case scenario sort of possibility – she looked… guilty. Like she was hiding something. "Arizona?"

She smiled, a smile that was meant to reassure her, but that made Amelia grow more irritated and slightly curious the longer she looked at it. "Well, the thing is-" her pager vibrated and she took it out, reading briefly. Her shoulders relaxed and she let out a breath and she looked back at Amelia with a new genuine smile. Amelia was staring back at her, not daring to ask, but all the same her growing frustration was enough not to need words. Arizona gave her a pointed look and her smile broadened even further, if possible. "Wait here." At Amelia's frown she quickly added. "Just a minute. Trust me."

And she left. Amelia stared at the door dumfounded. She'd had a nap at the hospital and she'd waited for Arizona, who seemed like she had something to tell her and then Arizona left. She was too tired and vaguely nauseous to try and make sense of this. Her back was starting to ache and all she wanted was to lie down on this sofa and wake up in the morning, with the extra hour of sleep that she usually took to shower and get to the hospital from the middle of the woods. Given her slower reaction time it was entirely possible minutes had passed since Arizona had hurriedly ran out, but after a little Amelia stood – shakily at first, she was still not used to the dizziness that followed – and made her way out of her office. Locking the door she used the last of her brain activity to throw the keys into her bag. When her eyes scanned across the hall, at the elevator, her brain was already digging up the map to drive home, she saw him. Owen. He was right there walking towards her.

Stupid hormones, she thought. Even hallucinations. Narrowing her eyes, though, she noticed him walking closer, smiling at her as soon as he had found her standing there, rooted to the spot. Amelia frowned, desperately trying to make sense of it, even when her neurological system refused to work. It happened so fast, in a matter of seconds he was standing right in front of her, smiling at her with his warm, comforting smile. It was making her sick. Literally.

"Hi."

Amelia was still not entirely caught up with the present and her eyebrows were slightly raised and her eyes were wide and somewhat vacant. Owen was supposed to be in Iraq. Actually, Owen had not contacted her since her weepy phone call last night and until a few minutes ago her insides had been turning with worry because he had not contacted her at all today. Maybe then this was ghost Owen. The plane had actually crashed and this was in fact a hallucination. She jumped about three feet into the air when she felt something delicately touch her arm. He'd touched her arm, which meant he wasn't a ghost, because ghost can't touch you. Blue eyes met bluer eyes and Amelia didn't know what to feel. Owen was standing right there in his uniform, his right hand softly touching her arm, his eyes growing worried the longer she just stood there without uttering a word.

"Owen?" she asked, as if to get some sort of confirmation that he was really, actually standing right there and he wasn't dead like she'd been trying to convince herself for the past ten minutes at least.

He nodded, rubbing his thumb along the bump of her elbow. "I'm here."

His voice was soft and calming and Amelia felt herself growing… irritated. While confusion and exhaustion still slowed significantly her brain, she was processing everything at half speed. "You're supposed to be in Iraq." She stated matter-of-factly.

Owen smiled again and tilted his head. "No. I'm supposed to be here." He nodded at her, letting his eyes wander briefly to her mid-section.

Amelia shook off his hand from her arm, as her higher functions started to kick in. "No." her voice was just above a whisper. She turned, looking straight into his eyes, as if to make a point without needing any words. Her face hardened and her eyes narrowed, but her hormones betrayed her and her eyes started filling with unshed tears and her lip was quivering at the mere sight of this man. "No." she added in a harsher tone, which turned to be scary enough despite her watery voice, because he stood straighter, back on his heels, away from her. "No. I don't want you here."

"Amelia." For just a second her words hurt. Owen felt them piercing his chest right in the middle, burning through skin and muscle. Taking a moment to really look at her, though, he knew exactly what was going on – to the extent that he would ever be able to get into her head, anyway. "Can we go in there, please?" he pointed at her office.

She looked at the door behind her, biting her cheek. The anger inside of her was clouding her judgement and the realisation that said anger was not directed at him, but mostly at herself spurred on frustration and more tears. She was angry with herself for sending him away and then wanting him back, she was angry with herself for not knowing what she really wanted. She was angry with him for knowing all of this or even just enough to make the right choice for the both of them. Amelia looked at Owen, her eyes falling on the name strapped to his jacket, and nodded mutely.

Not a stranger to body language, Owen sighed, and reached to her hand, which was still clutching the keys in a death grip and held it for a few moments. He was met by her confused stare and he saw in her eyes the second she realised she was holding the keys in her hand. Quietly, she opened the door and walked inside switching on the lights. Owen closed the door behind him and, once inside, he took a moment just to look at her. It had been a few days since he'd last seen her and he couldn't help but notice some differences in her appearance already. Or maybe it was an illusion, just like her nausea. Maybe he was seeing things, reshaping the images in his brain to see what he wanted to see. Amelia looked tired, stressed and he couldn't tell if she'd already been looking this bad before or not. Owen wasn't sure how much it was Derek's death and Meredith's disappearance and how much of it was the pregnancy.

"Why did you come back?" Her voice was small, like that of a child, and when his eyes went up to hers he found she was looking away from him, down at her hands fidgeting with the keychain she was holding.

Owen frowned. "What do you mean why? I came back-"

"Don't." she looked up at him, finally straight into his eyes. Her gaze was hard and icy and her whole demeanour was cold and detached. "Don't you dare say you came back for me."

"I wasn't going to say that." Owen reasoned, a bit unsure at her sudden change. "I came back because going was a mistake. I came back because we're having a baby. I want to be here for that."

Amelia frowned, still chewing the inside of her cheek in a last ditch effort to keep the tears from falling. "The baby won't be here for six months." She felt her control start to slip and she wasn't fast enough to stop before snapping at him. "I told you to go, why didn't you listen?"

"I listened." He replied his voice was not so soft and sweet anymore. "I went because I thought you were right, but you weren't. I don't want to be here just when the baby comes, I want to see ultrasounds and I want to go shopping and I want to feel it kick… I want all of it. _All_ of it."

"Well I don't want you here."

Amelia sat down on the sofa, letting the hard cushions dig into the sore muscles of her back. She sighed, feeling a tear fall from her left eye, knowing she wouldn't be able to move a muscle without many more following suit. She took a deep breath and another and another, and closed her eyes for just a minute, not only was she ready to sleep for a decade, but the emotional stress of the last few minutes was eating at her. Those words, she never meant those words. Not the way they sounded. She could do this alone, she knew she could. Having Owen meant having something to lose and she could _not_ lose him. Not in any capacity. Considering the last few years of her life, she should give him a medal for even sticking around. All the men around her died, every single one, almost like a curse, as if she was infected somehow. That could not happen to Owen. Even if it meant living half a life to make sure he'd be happy and have a chance at being happy.

Owen stared. For just a moment in time, the hope and happiness inside of him dissipated like smoke. There one second and gone the next. How had things changed so drastically in less than a day? It wasn't possible, he was familiar with mood swings and how they wouldn't affect her until later on, so it wouldn't make sense for her to tell him she missed him and then… unless. It made perfect sense. She missed him. Owen felt like slapping himself silly. He walked and sat next to her on the sofa, less than a foot away, careful not to invade her space too much. Her brother had just died, unexpectedly. It made absolutely no sense, yet, to him it made all the sense in the world. Amelia had suffered so much in her life and this was just a way to protect herself. Isolating herself, pushing away all the people that cared, all the people she didn't want to lose. And he couldn't blame her.

He reached over her lap to take one of her hands in his. "Amelia I'm not leaving. Not ever."

She shook her head and her eyes drifted shut as he stroked the back of her hand. When they opened again, just a sliver, not even enough that Owen would notice, she saw her other hand laying on her stomach, cupped around the growing bulge tucked under her belly button. In only a couple of days it had grown remarkably, so much that she could now see the definite curve just standing in front of the mirror, all probably due to the fact that she'd been resting and eating regularly. When Amelia had figured it out the first thing she'd wanted to do was tell Owen, show him, but then she remembered how he wasn't there. "You can't promise that."

"No, I can't."

Amelia sniffled. "I can't get used to having you around, when maybe one day you won't be there."

Owen was at loss of what to say. He could follow her reasoning and got her, and knew that she shouldn't be thinking like this, on top of everything else it wasn't healthy, especially for her. Still, he sat there, holding her hand, staring at her other hand on top of her sweater, half hidden under her jacket. Owen sat there and focused on her breathing, her shaky, irregular breathing. "You said you couldn't do it alone. What changed?"

"You left-"

"You told me to." he turned to her, wishing she would at least look at him directly instead of staring down at her lap. "You told me to go even when I asked if I shouldn't, even when I asked if you were doing it to see if I'd stay instead. You made me go, Amelia. I was ready to give that up because of you and you practically told me if I didn't go I would ruin our… whatever."

Owen just waited for her to say something. Respond in any way to this. Turn to face him. Slap him. Yell at him. Anything, really. When she gave no sign that she'd heard him, he squeezed her hand. "Amelia?"

She wrapped her hand around his. He'd been holding her hand before, but she'd hadn't moved, not an inch, not a muscle. She'd been passive and whether it had been voluntary or not Owen had never let go. "I didn't mean it like that. It's not about you."

"Then what is it about?" Owen prompted, his patient and understanding tone wavering, bordering on exasperation.

Amelia leaned her head back, bending her neck in the hollow were the cushion ended a little bit above her shoulders. "I was scared. I didn't want you to bail on your army buddies because I got pregnant, I thought down the line you'd hold it against me and, really, I knew I'd be okay for a few months by myself, so I made you go. It's just… when you left I realised I kind of wanted you here. Sort of. That was scary, depending on your presence is scary for me."

As her voice cracked Owen let go of her hand and snaked his arm around her shoulders, pulling her against him, rubbing small, regular circles on her shoulder, while both of her hands ended up in her lap. "I have already had a baby. I know how it works. I know how hard it is and, most importantly, I know that I can do it by myself. I can't get used to having you around if one day you won't be there anymore. _That_ I can't do."

"So you're mad that I came back because…" Owen frowned. "I might leave again?"

Amelia shook her head and he pulled her a little closer against him, offering whatever comfort he could. But she didn't say anything. Instead, she grabbed his other hand and brought it over in her lap, holding it, playing with his fingers. "I'm so stupid."

"You are not."

"But I am." She turned to look at him, finally. Now he could see clearly the tear tracks down her cheeks and several wet spots on her sweater. "Derek did it with me. When I was using, the first time, he did this to me. At first, he was going all saviour complex on me, he was fresh out of med school and thought he could save the entire world. Then it got hard. I was too far gone to give a crap about how much he or mom were hurting, not on top of all the hurt I had inside and I was in the hospital a lot and I disappeared few times, hell one day I even woke up in another state with no memory of even leaving my room. Then when I overdosed, I-uh, I died… he gave up on me. He shut me out of his life, said he couldn't handle seeing me hurt myself like that anymore. And I hated him for it."

Owen's hand travelled from her shoulder to the back of her hair, were it tangled in her dark curls. He took deep satisfaction in the way her eyelids fluttered shut at the contact. "I don't get it."

"I'm doing the exact same thing to you!"

Owen frowned. He'd followed her story and her reasoning, yet he was missing the seemingly obvious connection between the two apparently different scenarios. "Am I supposed to be Derek in this story?"

"No," her tone was almost scolding, as if everything she'd been saying was so obvious. "You're me. I'm Derek. I'm the one pushing you away because it hurts too much to keep you around." When Amelia saw the deep lines on Owen's forehead, though, she took pity on him. "Don't be too literal. Derek pushed me away because it hurt him to see me like that, because no matter how hard he tried I never got better. When I did get better, for a long time I hated him for abandoning me, for being selfish. I sent you away because I am terrified that if I get used to having you with me, then one day you might not be there anymore. To protect myself from that, from losing you, I pushed you away. I'm being selfish."

The words hung in the air for a little while, undisturbed by any other noise, but deep breathing and the occasional sniffle. Owen sighed, this situation wasn't complicated or difficult, it was definitely not idyllic, but they were making it so much harder than it needed to be.

"You are." A second after the words left his mouth he felt Amelia tense in his arms. Before she could say anything – or inflict bodily harm – he went on, keeping a calming hand on her shoulder. "Today I heard something, though. Apparently, being selfish is part of being a parent."

Amelia didn't bother to hide the confusion from her face. "So all parents are selfish? That makes no sense, Owen."

Owen shook his head, stifling a laugh. "No, not like that. I think it's more along the lines of reconsidering your life and your priorities. It's like everything shifts."

He tilted his head, trying to get a look at whatever was going on with her, but he couldn't without pulling away. With the corner of his eye he saw her biting her lip – something he found endlessly fascinating – but the way her body had, once more, turned rigid was not a good sign.

"Does that make you selfish?"

Owen nodded eagerly. "I never thought I'd see the day I'd do something like this. Yesterday I thought you were right, I thought I could go for a few months and then come back and commit to this. I wanted to believe that and then you sent me the ultrasound picture. It's grainy, it doesn't really look like anything yet, and I still spent hours staring at it. Going was a mistake. So I came back and my CO seemed okay with it, strangely."

Amelia shifted against his side and for a moment he thought she was going to stand and walk away, instead she snuggled into his side, leaning her head on his shoulder. "Really? He was okay with you ditching them? It doesn't sound army like."

"Well, he wasn't exactly giving me a pat on the back, but I'd been discharged years ago, so in a way I had no obligation to them, if not my word that I'd go." He stroked her hand and sighed. "I needed to feel like I had something to look forward to again, so thank you. For that."

He couldn't see it, but he felt her smirk against his neck. Then Amelia pushed herself up, just enough to look at him, and finally their eyes lock. "Owen you shouldn't thank me." She started in a serious tone causing his breath to hitch in his throat in anticipation. "You should thank whatever form of birth control failed."

Owen laughed out loud. "You're right. I should."

"Yeah, or maybe it is me." He could hear her light hearted and sarcastic voice, but the little spark in her eyes wasn't there anymore. "I do have a thing for getting pregnant at the worst possible times."

Owen felt something tighten inside his chest, hearing those words he suddenly remembered she's been pregnant before, she had a baby. And her baby died. He had no idea how or when or why, but what he did know was enough that he did not want to hear the rest, especially now. He pulled her back against him, kissing the top of her head sweetly, feeling her readjust against his side.

"This is good, though, right?" he asked as the insecurity started to build up inside him.

Amelia didn't answer right away, something that certainly did not ease up his stomach ache, but then she nodded, softly, almost imperceptibly, against him. "It is. I think."

It wasn't exactly what he'd been hoping for, but it's good enough for now. "Amelia." This is something he had planned to tell her months ago, but life got in the way. However, when she didn't make a move Owen went on, praying that she wasn't already asleep. "I didn't come back just for the baby."

That seemed to be enough for her to pull away and look straight at him. "Oh. You were scared of leaving your department to someone else?"

Owen was taken aback by her answer and it took him a little to realise she knew what he meant with those words and she was just messing with him. "No, definitely not. I was actually quite excited at the change of scenery. We probably will need to talk about this, at length, but I'm not here just because…"

"You accidentally got me pregnant?" Amelia suggested, stifling a yawn.

"No, well, yes." Now he was the one looking away. "We started something and we had a fight. We should have moved past it. We-I should have fought harder, for you. I don't want to be with you because of the baby-"

Amelia sat up, away from him, and turned her body to face his. "Wait. You're right, we should talk about this, but not now. Not when you've spent I don't even know how many hours on planes and in airports and when we've just found out days ago that we're having a baby. We're not thinking clearly."

"I have had a lot of time to think. A lot. I told you we were a plane crash and we left things there." he reached for her hand and, after a moment of hesitation, she squeezed back. "I wanted to talk, really talk. I wanted to know what happened when you called us a mistake I wanted to understand, but then…" _Derek died._

Good job, Owen. Excellent.

"But then I ignored you." She offered, before the conversation would take a different turn. She wasn't ready for that. She couldn't say it. She barely allowed herself to think it.

Luckily, he recovered quickly from this near disaster. "I'm saying I wanted to make things right with you. Even before there was a baby in the picture, just so you know that."

Amelia nodded, but said nothing. She was chewing on her cheek nervously, after she'd told Owen she didn't want him here – and kind of cleared it up, but still – he'd poured his heart out to her, saying he wanted her. It was terrifying. There was no denying she was in love with him and she had little doubt on Owen's feelings, but, especially now, it didn't feel so easy to put two and two together. She stood, unexpectedly, and smiled sweetly when she saw the confused look on his face. "Come on. I'm way too tired to drive and I want to sleep in a bed outside of this hospital."

Owen stood as well and walked to the door, nodding slowly, not daring to use words.

When they reached the land, Amelia was already asleep. She'd fallen asleep ten minutes into the journey home and Owen had not minded one bit. Arizona had caught them before they left the hospital and reminded them both that Amelia needed to sleep; her body needed the energy to grow a tiny human. Also, it meant no awkward conversation on topics like the weather or politics or whatever else didn't involve their relationship, babies and baby related stuff. Or Derek, Owen reminded himself. As he got to the trailer, though, he was stuck. He didn't know whether he should take Amelia to the house or should he assume she'd stay with him or… no. That was stupid. Of course, she wouldn't stay with him. Owen realised the best course of action, while it was also the possibly most dangerous, was to wake her up and talk to her, ask her what she wanted to do. Owen shook her shoulder gently until she opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Oh," she looked around, blinking confusion and disorientation from her eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep."

Before he could say anything, ask her what she wanted to do, Amelia got out of the car and headed to the trailer sleepily. Owen sat, frozen to his seat in her car, which was still running. It seemed Amelia had just made the decision for them. He shook his head and parked the car, walking up to her. Amelia looked at him expectantly, rubbing her hands together and yawning. Without a word, they were both inside and Owen had no time to lose his mind in nostalgic thoughts, he had no time to think about how everything was laying exactly where he'd left it a few days before. He let his eyes wander to her. She was sitting on the sofa, seconds away from falling back asleep.

"Do you want a t-shirt? Pants?" he asked walking down the little hall, setting his bag somewhere they wouldn't trip on it – which turned out a lot to be a lot harder than expected – and fished out sleepwear for the both of them.

Owen tried his best not to watch as he stumbled to change, carefully hanging his uniform, regardless of how he had no reason to. Amelia had grabbed silently the pants and sweatshirt he handed to her and, either because she was overly tired or just because she didn't care, she'd begun tossing her own clothes on the sofa, changing into the sweats without even making an effort to cover herself. Again without a word she'd walked the distance to the bed, crawling over to lay on what had become her side of the bed, which was just the side Owen never slept on. The bed dipped and not even a minute later he was laying opposite her, both on their sides facing each other. Neither one dared to speak a word, knowing that the semi argument they had in her office, due to her surprise and their emotional high, was not finished. Their fears and worries were still there and most likely would be no matter how much they'd talk things over.

In a rush of confidence Amelia reached over to take Owen's hand in hers. While it was all so confusing the littlest pieces were starting to fall into place, everything was slowly starting to make sense. "Arizona said I'm due in January. Apparently, I'm nine weeks tomorrow, which means the baby is officially a fetus and not a mass of cells anymore."

"Wow. That's fast." Owen smiled and pulled her hand to him, getting her to scoot closer. "So it's going to be like a late Christmas present?"

Amelia looked at him, straight into his eyes, she felt herself absorb a little of his happiness just by looking at him. In the few months she'd known him, he'd never looked this happy, except maybe when they'd found out about the baby, but then the happiness was mixed with fear and excitement and surprise, now it looked like pure happiness. It made her feel better knowing he felt like that. She wouldn't feel it. there was no way she'd ever allow herself to feel this way, subconsciously, but in a way he could be happy enough for the both of them.

"Unless he or she is early. Here's hoping they're smart enough not to be born on Christmas, 'cause, you know, they'd end up getting half the presents."

Owen chuckled at her reasoning. "That's never going to happen."

Amelia smiled and leaned her head on his arm, using it as a pillow. "No, but they won't get too many presents either. I hate spoiled children."

He shook his head, making a mental note to remember her exact words on their baby's first Christmas, whether it be this year or the next, when she'd surely go overboard with presents their little one wouldn't even care about yet. Instead of answering in any way, not wanting to ruin to mood, he slipped an arm around her pulling her completely against him, hugging her so tight he wasn't sure she'd still be able to breathe. Owen held on for a few minutes, memorising the feeling, letting the anxiety and disappointment of not being in the warzone wash over him completely.

After a little Amelia rolled on her back. Brows furrowing, he stared at her, wondering what happened, if he had done something wrong. She smiled. A warm reassuring smile, one he had not seen in such a long time. Amelia grasped his hand, the one resting on her waist, and held it for a moment. Owen was growing more confused by the second, but in time, more than confused he was intrigued. However all of that was wiped clean from his brain – along with any other form of coherent thought – when she guided his hand underneath her sweatshirt and laid it gently on the little bump on her stomach. She was staring up at him, not wanting to miss whatever reaction he was going to have. When he got over the surprise and got what she was doing his eyes went up to hers, wide and blue and warm and loving.

"Is that…"

Amelia nodded against his shoulder and opened her mouth to answer, but she let out a giant yawn instead. "I'm going to go to sleep," she mumbled, nuzzling her face into his Owen-smelling t-shirt. "You can keep groping me as long as you want, just don't wake me, okay?"

She grinned when she saw, through half-closed eyes, how he suddenly looked like a kid caught with his hands in the cookie jar. "Relax. You know what I mean." She kissed his cheek and closed her eyes, knowing in a matter of seconds she'd be asleep. She could feel is hand going over the little bulge, pushing down a little here and there. Maybe, just maybe, if he held her long enough he'd infect her with some of his contagious happiness and elation. Never in her life had anything worked well to the end, Derek's unexpected death being just the most recent example, but something deep inside her she had a good feeling about this, gut feeling, mother's intuition, whatever it was Amelia hoped like hell it was right. Just this once.

* * *

 _This is supposed to be the end. Now, just a couple of things: first and foremost I'd like to thank every single one that stuck with this until now, personally I don't count reviews on my fingers nor I write to attract audience, but it's really nice to know what I do is appreciated by someone who's not me. Also, while this is the end it doesn't necessarily mean I won't from time to time post a related one shot. I had planned to write a huge thing out of this, but then I realised I just couldn't work it out of something that was originally meant as a one shot._

 _p.s. I'm not dead, I'm on vacation. So is my brain._


End file.
